痕書站

　　冬天是沈老爺最不喜歡的季節，萬物蕭瑟，鳥獸都絕了蹤跡，太陽時常躲在雲層後面，渾濁的光暈讓天地一片死氣沉沉。
　　還有新鮮的瓜果也斷了源頭，醃制的果鋪甜膩的能粘住牙；餐桌上除了肉食，都是些醃制曬乾的黃蔫蔫的菜，看著都沒有胃口。口腹之欲不能得逞也罷了，厚重的棉絮製成的棉衣一層一層裹在身上，累贅到手腳都屈伸不開。況且羊皮小衣捂的再嚴實，也有看不見的冷氣不知從何處來，絲絲縷縷往骨髓裡鑽，引發的酸痛讓人一整天都坐臥不寧。
　　年輕時仗著火氣旺盛，出門行商風餐露宿，潮濕的冷地也敢睡，冰冷的山泉也敢跳進去泡一泡；遇到個強人劫匪，提著護身的長刀和武師一起打一場惡戰，留下不少傷疤。如今上了年紀，這些年輕時的傷，便一一開始倒算帳。
　　
　　夜間光景更是難捱，炭盆燃的再旺也於事無補，即使剛剛泡過腳，沒多久也就寒透了，散著寒氣的骨頭讓被窩睡了許久也暖不熱，能把自己凍醒。還有起夜時，胳膊酸痛麻癢，夜壺都把不住，總要漏上一點。這樣的陳年舊疾是上了年紀的人才能體味的難堪。
　　眼見著手抖的不像話，沈老爺放下夜壺，踢踏著棉鞋氣衝衝的拉開門，站在牆根下解開腰帶，憤怒地撒了泡尿。
　　驚醒的小廝抓著棉袍追過去，沈老爺正在牆根下哆嗦著系腰帶，手指都僵木了，一個結也打的十分艱難，黑咕隆咚的牆角下，他低頭認真打著腰帶上的結，剩下那點睡意也被凍的魂飛魄散。
　　“老爺快進屋，這樣會凍壞的。”小廝給他披上棉袍，幾乎是連拉帶扯的拽著沈老爺回到屋裡，將他安置在烤盆前，又加水煮起姜湯。
　　沈老爺不再哆嗦，聞著空氣裡散開的辛辣薑味，這才認真打量伺候自己的小廝，也不小了，三十多歲快四十的人了，依稀還記得他剛來自己身邊侍奉時，不過剛成年的孩子，脆生生的喊老爺。他原來叫什麼沈老爺已想不起來，只知道從那天起他就姓了沈，名字就叫沈四。不是什麼正經名號，不過是四個貼身小廝裡，他是最小的那個。就這麼入了沈家門庭，幾十年跟著自己左右伺候，隨著商隊跋山涉水的在外艱辛。明明是貼身的小廝，待遇比旁人好的多，老的卻比同齡人厲害，大概是操心操的。
　　沈老爺還是頭一回意識到自己是個不讓人省心的，於是問他：“你們這些年跟著我，操心了吧？”
　　沈四愣了一下，憨憨地笑了：“老爺說的什麼話，遇到您這樣的主家，是小四的福氣，從來沒苛責過我們下人，逢年過節也不知要賞多少東西，連媳婦都給我們找的好好的，能為老爺操心那是造化，旁人想操心還輪不上呢。”
　　沈老爺看他一臉真摯，本來還想說的話便再說不出口，他想著這些小廝一個個都上了年紀了，為沈家賣命這麼久，也該享享福，回家陪陪妻兒，過幾天省心太平日子。或者這個想法本身就是錯的。沈老爺吸了口氣，點頭道：“那就多操心罷，反正你們也勞神不了幾年。”
　　沈四一時還沒有聽出話裡味道，仍舊是憨憨地笑著，笑著笑著突然咂摸出這話裡的深意，臉色一下變了。
　　
　　他放下熬湯的小鍋扭頭去看，沈老爺已經穿戴好衣物，開門走出去了。
　　慘淒淒的蒼白月亮掛在乾枯的枝頭，沈老爺冒著寒風疾步走著，穿過闌幹亭台，繞過結了薄冰的蓮花池塘，穿過梅林小徑，在冷梅寒香裡，走到沈夫人避世的佛堂前。
　　木魚聲在寒風裡一遍又一遍的響著，隨著寒風悠悠蕩蕩，連枝頭梅花都隨著這一下下的敲擊，一顫又一顫。
　　沈老爺放輕腳步，登上青石臺階在門口靜靜站著，聽木魚敲擊一聲聲，規律綿長，便覺得心頭煩悶緩了許多。他經常來這裡聽她的木魚，一聲又一聲，無窮無盡，韻律悠長，聽著仿佛安了神靜了心，知道她還在。
　　手指抬起，剛要叩在門上，自發地頓住了。罷了，平白來打擾她作甚。沈老爺轉身就要離開，連綿不絕的木魚聲卻停頓住了。門內外的兩人都是靜的，誰也不說話。
　　這月色淒淒，冷梅暗香，他們少年夫妻，相伴白頭，隔著一扇薄薄木門，卻說不出一句話。
　　也不知站了多久，門內傳來沈夫人的聲音，靜靜地道：“夜裡寒，回去吧。”
　　沈老爺轉過身，又頓住腳：“我一直也不懂你。什麼時候開始，你我就這麼生分了？”
　　門後的沈夫人不說話。
　　沈老爺歎了口氣：“從軒兒入水之後，你對我就淡了許多，這麼多年我不是不知道。我體恤你母子連心，軒兒受難，你跟著心疼，對你從來未有一句抱怨。現在你是愈發過了，在這佛堂裡一住就是五年，你還是沈家的主母，這樣避著連我的面都不肯見，是不是太過分了？”
　　他雖是詰問，卻連硬一點的語氣都施展不出，低低軟軟的，倒像是剛剛成親那陣子，對著新娘十分敬愛歡喜。
　　門後的沈夫人已不是當初新娘，他也不再是當年的青澀少年，羞羞澀澀不敢說話。
　　他們都依舊不曾說話，又頓了片刻，木魚聲又重新響起，一聲接著一聲，平靜徐緩。
　　
　　沈老爺歎了口氣，只好掉過頭，循著原路返回。
　　
　　他走後，一道黑色身影同樣出現在門前，長髮披散的伊墨回頭看著沈老爺蹣跚的背影，又轉頭看了看黃銅的門環，抬手輕輕叩了一下。
　　木門無聲地打開了，一身素服的沈家主母站在門口，簡樸的道姑打扮，對他的到來不驚不異。
　　伊墨走進去，抬頭看見四周佛像都被蓋了厚厚的一層黑布，便知道這是專為他佈置的。心裡雖然訝異，倒也舒坦兩分，泥胎菩薩對他沒什麼影響，婦人做事卻和她兒子一樣，滴水不漏的周全，有禮有節的風度。於是被冒然周知請來，倒也沒那麼不悅。
　　熱騰騰的茶水隨後被奉上，沈夫人坐在他對面，燭光下麵白如雪，容色沉靜，即使不做金銀玉飾，不塗脂抹粉，她也是麗質天生，況且還有年齡和氣度的陪襯，恰似一朵完全綻放的白牡丹。
　　婦人家到她這個年紀，還能讓人賞心悅目，也不知年輕時是怎樣的光景。
　　伊墨想什麼便說什麼，沈夫人笑了一下，並沒有被冒犯的意思，回道：“不過一具皮囊，到我這個年紀，若是還在意這些，也是白活了。”
　　又道：“不過讓一個活了不知多久的妖精說出讚語，我也是不能免俗的歡喜。”
　　伊墨點點頭。
　　沈母又道：“清軒還能活多久？”
　　這個問題被她輕描淡寫的拋出來，倒是讓伊墨有些措手不及，愣了一下才回道：“五六年的壽命。”
　　沈母並沒有露出絲毫意外，只微微點了下頭，跳躍的燭光裡，隱約可見她眼中絲絲水光，眨眼就不見了。伊墨活了千年，頭一遭見識這樣的母子。也說不清是什麼想法，只是感歎有其母必有其子，如此堅忍的性子。
　　靜了片刻，沈母道：“他出生時我受了罪，養了半年才恢復過來，期間見他的次數少，後來養好了，奶娘抱他來看我，他都不認我。那時我也剛剛學著做母親，不知道該怎麼抱他，也不知道怎麼寵他，沈家家大業大，稍有偏頗，又怕落了閒話。所以我一直遠著他。”說著她抬起眼，問他：“清軒都告訴過你吧？”
　　伊墨點點頭。
　　“那時我不知道怎麼對他，那麼小一個人，跌跌撞撞的跑過來喊娘親。我怕碰著他，怕不小心傷著他，怕對他太好，有人暗地裡使絆子害他……我娘家是官家，我爹取了七房妾室，我命好生在長房裡，沒受太多罪。這樣的事，卻也見過不少。”
　　她這樣一說，伊墨便懂了，點點頭聽她繼續說。
　　“我就這麼一直防著護著，卻到底年輕，在沈家這以誠待人的門庭裡時間長了，就信了以誠待人必得善果。”沈母微微笑了一下，“不料還是讓清軒著了他二娘的道。”
　　伊墨坐直身體，不是不意外。
　　
　　“你很意外。”沈母看著他，搖頭道：“不用意外。我是在那樣的家裡長大的，沈家就這麼些口人，親緣關係也簡單的很——對我來說是太簡單了，沒什麼能瞞過我的眼。”
　　然而又有什麼用。
　　沈母自己一笑，她終究是錯看了人心，鑄下大錯，毀了自己親子一生。
　　
　　“你從來不說，”伊墨皺了一下眉：“連你夫君都信不過麼？”
　　沈母點點頭，沒有絲毫猶豫的承認了，若是沈老爺在場，只怕會當場就寒了心。
　　可她在更早的時候就對自己的夫君寒了心，於是連信任都一併收回。從他成婚不過六年就從遠方帶回這位妾室開始，夫妻情意就成了一紙空言，她不再信他，也不再敬他，更遑論愛他。她只是維持著最基本的夫妻禮節，相敬如賓的生活著。
　　其實早就知道會有這一天，她不是沒做過準備，甚至私下替他物色合適的女子。卻沒料到這一天來的這樣猝不及防，甚至都沒有一封家書事先告知她，起碼的尊重都不給她，在她夜裡一人輾轉難眠，憂心他在外是否吃飽穿暖，有沒有平安順利時，他的夫君領著妙齡少女，從遠方領回了他們的家。
　　沒多久，他們的孩子就誕生了。
　　而那個時候的她，因為生產時九死一生，從此再也無法生育。
　　
　　“你既然知道真相，也當有證據，如何不去告官？”伊墨問。
　　“我不能。”沈母始終容色恬淡：“沈家雖不大，上下親眷也有幾百口，僕從們倚著沈家而活，說是雍城沈家的下人，都是面上有光的身份……沈家的名聲是多少祖宗一步步墊出來的。我若報了官，私仇是報了，沈家的名聲也完了，老爺為了撐住這門庭，也吃了許多苦，年紀輕輕累下一身病痛。這樣的笑話傳出去，外人便會想，他連家裡都制不好，如何能擺佈商場上那些生意……”
　　沈夫人說：“我已錯了一步，毀了自己的孩子；不能再因為自己的孩子，毀了整個沈家。”
　　沈夫人說：“沈家待我不薄。”
　　那時她年輕，從官家小姐下嫁商賈，僅聘禮就讓沈家出了許多，七十二台大聘，無計小聘，延綿三裡。過河時，河面上都是沈家的聘禮船，岸邊都是看熱鬧的人。
　　出嫁那天，她爹給她的嫁妝卻少的可憐。
　　她原以為會遭人白眼，然而整個沈家都待她十分和善，從未有人拿她那些微薄的嫁妝說事。那時老夫人還健在，她的蓋頭還未揭起，就使小丫頭給她送來了掌管沈家的鑰匙。
　　平日裡的兒媳禮，老夫人也能免就免，時常差人送她許多東西，都是老夫人藏了一輩子的好東西，一點也沒有惋惜的，都給了她。
　　還有那麼多從未見過面的人，都成了她的親戚，是她的親人，對她無限善意，妯娌姑子沒有一個為難她。即使偶有不起眼的小瑣碎，小差錯，也沒有一個人同她計較。
　　沈家以無限善意待她。
　　她無以為報，只能兢兢業業打理家業，使闔家內外安康和美。
　　沈家對她的恩情，讓她願一死以報沈家，所以到了那一天，明知道兒子被誰所害，她也只能忍著裝著，不能因此連累沈家。
　　夫妻情意可以不要，沈家情意她不能辜負。
　　
　　“清軒一直以為我是要做一個沒有瑕疵的主母。”沈夫人對伊墨道：“他不知道，從他被推入冰窟那一刻，我就失敗了。”
　　“我失敗了很多年。”沈夫人仍舊是笑笑的：“就像當年他要害死沈禎，卻失敗了一樣。這都是命，我早已認了。”
　　“你果然知道。”伊墨已不再意外，只是問：“若是他不救，你會讓他害死沈禎嗎？”
　　“不會。”沈夫人道：“我不會讓他手上沾血。”
　　“若是那時，他一定要沈禎死呢？”
　　“我不會讓我兒子手上沾血，”沈母挽起唇角：“可我會為他完成心願。”
　　是的，她會。伊墨從她眼神裡能看得出來。如有必要，她會親手殺死沈禎，完成沈清軒的心願。她不動手，是因為她知道自己的兒子，終不是一個心黑手辣的殺人犯。
　　她太瞭解沈清軒，因為那是她兒子，是她不敢抱不敢寵，不敢明目張膽去溺愛，卻一直悄悄看著他一舉一動的孩子。
　　她有許多脈脈溫情，慈母心腸，她可以無限寵溺別人的孩子，卻不知道拿最疼最愛的這一個怎麼辦才好。她可以承受最疼愛的孩子給她的惡意和傷害，也能接納孩子對她的冷漠和疏離，她不怨不悔，依然可以為他殺人，只為完成他的心願。
　　她甚至已經看好了別家的女子，準備好了一切，如果沈禎不得不死，她就將那姑娘納進沈家，做沈老爺的第二個妾，讓她替沈家延續香火。她做了萬全準備，只等沈清軒自己推著輪椅離開火場，然後她會去攔住他，告訴他不要沾血，要下十八層地獄的事，娘親可以替他做。
　　可是沈清軒沒有離開。
　　她不知道有多欣慰，終究兒子沒有變成一個惡人。
　　而所有這一切，她藏在心裡幾十年，從來沒有告訴第二個人，也沒有第二個人可傾訴。
　　
　　所有人都以為她不知道，以為她什麼都不懂。
　　沈清軒以為他娘是睜眼瞎；偏房以為正房是個糊塗善人；
　　連推沈清軒下冰窟的老奶娘都以為主母是個聽什麼是什麼的傻子。
　　可是她什麼都知道。
　　她什麼都知道，她什麼都不說。
　　裝作一無所覺的模樣，在這個家裡安安靜靜又不容忽視的存在著，讓人挑不出一絲瑕疵的做著沈家主母。
　　
　　伊墨不是人，所以他知道這一切，都是因為這位母親想要給他一句囑託：
　　“他活不久了，你好好待他。”
　　
　　伊墨沒有說話，也沒有應答，只是翻了翻她抄寫的那一疊經書，問：“替沈清軒寫的？”
　　“替我自己寫的。”沈母道：“我怕自己死後要去十八層地獄受罪。”
　　伊墨想問為何，轉念一想，便沒有再問。這樣性子的女子，能輕易放過偏房姨娘，卻不會放過推她兒子下冰窟的那個兇手，只是她太能忍，事後多年都對那個奶娘更為親熱，將她全家都接到雍城安置，直到幾年後連兇手都以為事情已經翻篇，她才將事情做成意外，一把火燒了她全家，斷子絕孫。
　　“我親自點的火。”沈夫人形容平靜地道：“我聽到她的孫子在喊奶奶。”
　　伊墨無話可說。
　　那件事連沈清軒都以為是意外，只當惡人有惡報，天意如此。
　　他從來不會想到，是他娘親自動的手。
　　沈夫人不說，這世上無人知道。連那些死去的鬼魂，也未必知道誰是要他們命的人。
　　
　　“你不打算讓我說給沈清軒。”伊墨難得正眼看另一個人，還是個婦人，打量她許久，方才緩緩道：“你說這麼多，是想讓我嫁給他。”
　　沈夫人搖搖頭：“我希望你能跟我進沈家祠堂，我會將你的名字添在他身邊。”
　　“你現在倒是不怕壞名聲了。”伊墨譏諷了一句。
　　“世人都是跟風走，今日他們說沈家出了個兔兒爺，明日清軒死後，他們會說沈家出了個奇人，連妖精都心生愛慕，入了沈家祖籍……反而對沈家名聲有增無減。”沈夫人嘲諷地一笑，對他道：“你活了這麼多年，豈不明白這個道理，世風如此，人心如此。沈家會埋沒在後代身上，但不會毀在清軒手上。我只幫他圓了心願。”
　　伊墨聽著，又想起她當初那一番棍杖，險些將沈清軒活活打死。豈知又是作戲，她怎麼會真把沈清軒打死。忍不住自己想笑，想笑自己活了這麼多年，卻算計不過一個婦人。
　　沈夫人見他神情，似乎也明白他想的是什麼，誠實道：“不全是作戲。”
　　不全是作戲，打沈清軒和打在她身上，從來沒有區別。她只是又惱又恨，惱恨的對象不是沈清軒，而是她自己。她照護不周，讓兒子成了廢人，是她鑄成的；同妖相好，踏上歧途，成為別人的話柄流言，變成他人取笑譏辱的物件，也是她鑄成的。那時她想著，打死他，打死以後便陪他一起去了，他們母子再不跟這醃臢濁世糾纏。
　　所以才會有那番狠打，她實在是不忍心看著兒子屈辱地活在人間白眼謾駡裡，她只能陪他一起，一了百了。
　　
　　伊墨靜靜看她，許久過後還是忍不住笑了：“可惜。”
　　“如何可惜。”
　　“你一介女流活在這世間實在可惜。”伊墨道：“沈清軒不如你。”
　　“為何？”沈夫人問，依然從容。
　　“人活一世，看三五年已是長遠；看三五十年，已是超脫；”伊墨道：“而你，看到了百年。這一點，沈清軒比不上你。”
　　“我是他母親。”沈夫人如是答，又看著他道：“你也不用答覆我，我已知道你不願意嫁。可你會後悔。”
　　若非不想失禮，伊墨定要嗤之以鼻。
　　“清軒是我兒子，我知道他若真想得到一個人，哪怕是妖，結果會是怎樣。而你又不是個薄情寡恩的妖。”沈母起身，做出送客的姿勢：“你該學著薄情寡恩一點，否則必會後悔。”
　　
　　伊墨不同她爭辯，也不同她計較這種鐵口銅牙又虛無飄渺的事，直接站起身走向門口。
　　“來日若是後悔。”沈母在他身後淡淡道：“就嫁給他。”
　　伊墨聞聲回頭，兩扇木門緩緩掩上，那張雪白的臉逐漸消隱，竟是比他還要冷漠超然。
　　他也生出兩分無名火，忍不住答道：“他嫁我尚可行。非要我嫁他，天底下也是沒有你們這樣的母子。”
　　
　　沈母的聲音在門後很小，但她知道他聽得見。
　　她說：“今夜的事，不要告訴軒兒。”
　　又說：“記得要薄情寡恩一點。”
　　伊墨也不知她從哪裡看出自己厚情濃恩的影子，只覺她這諄諄囑咐，仿佛他也成了她的孩子，長輩關切的真心誠摯。
　　伊墨覺得十分荒誕。
　　
　　佛堂再次響起木魚聲聲，伊墨走了一步，忍不住回頭看這座小小佛堂，看了片刻轉頭又走，走兩步又停下來要回頭看。簡直要走出一步三回頭的架勢，忍不住嘲笑自己，何必同人間婦人較真，都是些過眼雲煙的事。
　　的確是過眼雲煙的事。
　　
　　沈清軒轉眼去世，沈老爺一年後也辭世，沈禎依然要去外籍上任，沈家主事的只剩沈母。
　　伊墨再見到她，她已經滿頭華髮，臉上卻無多少皺紋。
　　沈清軒不入祖墳，堅持要葬在山上，伊墨遇上她時，她正在沈清軒墳頭燒紙。
　　她安靜地蹲在那裡，撚起一份份紙錢，燒給埋在土中的兒子。火光中她的雙眼愈發明澈透亮，仿佛世外之人。見到他來，沈夫人指了指墓碑上的未亡人，淡淡道：“你最終還是要喊我娘。”
　　伊墨說：“我只是成全他的遺願。”
　　沈夫人不以為意地道：“我的兒子們，嘴上都強得很。”
　　伊墨被堵了個啞口無言，默默地站在一旁看她仔細燒著紙錢，兩人一蹲一站，一個燒給一個看，白髮和黑髮各自在風中伴隨著灰絮飄揚。
　　
　　一筐紙錢全部燒完，沈夫人站起身提起空筐，對他道：
　　“我的日子也要到了，你就不要來扶棺了。”
　　“我同你非親非故，給你扶什麼棺？”伊墨說完就閉上了嘴，看著沈母指著那“未亡人伊墨”五個字油然生出一種無力，沈家這對母子，大約就是上天派來降他的，看他一個人狂蕩久了，十分不順眼，先送來一個沈清軒，再送來一個娘，同樣都是上下兩張嘴皮子，將他吃的死死的。
　　“不用你扶棺，但是你得應我，若是沈家將來有大災難，你須幫扶一把。”
　　婦人好一副算計心腸。伊墨說：“你來就是為這事？”
　　“主要是和你們告別。”沈母沖他點點頭，又彎身撫了撫兒子冰冷的墓碑，這是這麼多年，她第一次來見他的墳，也是她第一回同樣是最後一回，給他燒上紙錢。
　　青燈古佛的時間越久，她看的也就更明白。
　　這世間從來沒有誰能陪誰到最後，母子也一樣，都是人生過客。轉眼雲煙。
　　沈母站起身，整了整衣裙，對伊墨道：“你不拒絕我就當你應了。”
　　便離開了。
　　
　　兩個月後，沈家老夫人辭世，沈禎趕回來主持葬禮。伊墨果然沒有替她扶棺，給她抬靈扶棺的沈家親戚小輩多得是，如何也輪不到他這樣一個外姓人。他隱著身形，看她的靈柩繞城而行，家家戶戶開門掛幡替她送行，這是雍州城很多年沒人享受到的待遇。
　　
　　等人潮都散去，伊墨來到沈家祖墳的埋葬地，看到她埋在沈老爺身邊，是一座雙人墳墓。
　　他淨手，給這死去的女人上了三炷香。
　　他從來也沒有敬服過誰，唯有沈清軒的娘親，萬里紅塵中，是他唯一敬服過的人。

————————————————

Winter is Mr. Shen’s least favorite season. Everything is bleak, there are no birds or animals, the sun often hides behind the clouds, and the turbid halo makes the world look dead.

There was no fresh fruit and vegetables, and the pickled fruit was so sweet that it would stick to your teeth. The only food on the table was pickled and dried yellow vegetables, which made me lose my appetite. It was fine that I couldn’t satisfy my appetite, but the heavy cotton-padded clothes wrapped around me layer by layer were so cumbersome that I couldn’t even move my hands and feet. Moreover, no matter how tightly I covered myself with the sheepskin coat , there was an invisible cold air coming from nowhere, drilling into my bones, causing pain that made me restless all day long.

When I was young, I relied on my hot temper to travel and eat outdoors while doing business. I dared to sleep on damp and cold ground and to jump into icy mountain springs for a dip. When I encountered a strong robber, I fought a fierce battle with a martial artist with a long sword for protection, leaving many scars. Now that I am old, I have begun to settle the accounts of these injuries from my youth one by one.

The nighttime scene was even more unbearable . No matter how brightly the charcoal basin burned, it was useless. Even if I had just soaked my feet, they would soon become cold. My bones were still cold, and I couldn’t get warm even after sleeping in the quilt for a long time. I would wake myself up from the cold. When I got up at night, my arms would ache, tingle, and itchy . I couldn’t even hold the chamber pot, which would always leak a little. Such chronic illnesses were the embarrassment that only older people could experience.

Seeing that his hands were shaking uncontrollably, Mr. Shen put down the chamber pot, kicked off his cotton shoes, angrily opened the door, stood against the wall, untied his belt, and angrily urinated.

The startled servant grabbed his cotton robe and ran after him. Master Shen was shivering as he tied his belt against the wall. His fingers were stiff and it was very difficult for him to tie a knot. In the dark corner, he lowered his head and carefully tied the knot on his belt. The little sleepiness he had left was frozen away.

“Master, please come into the house quickly. You will freeze to death if you keep doing this." The servant put a cotton robe on him and almost dragged Master Shen back to the house. He placed him in front of the baking pan and added water to boil ginger soup.

Master Shen stopped shivering. He smelled the spicy ginger in the air and then carefully looked at the servant who served him. He was not young anymore, in his thirties and almost forty. He could still vaguely remember that when he first came to serve him, he was just an adult child, calling him Master in a crisp voice. He could not remember his original name, Master Shen. He only knew that from that day on, his surname was Shen and his name was Shen Si. It was not a formal title, but he was the youngest among the four personal servants. He entered the Shen family like this, and served him for decades, and went through hardships with the caravan. Although he was a personal servant, he was treated much better than others, but the old man was more powerful than his peers, probably because he was too worried.

It was the first time that Mr. Shen realized that he was a troublesome person, so he asked him, “You have been following me for all these years. Have you been worried?"

Shen Si was stunned for a moment, then smiled innocently: “What are you talking about, Master? It is my fortune to meet a master like you. You have never criticized us servants. I don’t know how many gifts you give us during festivals. You even found a good wife for us. It is a blessing for us to worry about you. It is not the turn of others to worry about you."

Seeing his sincere face, Master Shen could no longer say what he wanted to say. He thought that these servants were all old, and they had worked hard for the Shen family for so long, so they should enjoy their lives, go home to accompany their wives and children, and live a peaceful life without worries for a few days. Or maybe this idea itself was wrong. Master Shen took a breath, nodded and said, “Then worry more, anyway, you won’t be bothered for a few years."

Shen Si didn’t understand the meaning of the words at first and was still smiling naively. As he was smiling, he suddenly realized the deep meaning of the words and his face changed.

He put down the pot of soup and turned to see that Mr. Shen had already put on his clothes, opened the door and walked out.

pale and miserable moon hung on the dry branches. Mr. Shen walked quickly in the cold wind, passing through the railings and pavilions, bypassing the lotus pond covered with thin ice, passing through the path in the plum forest, and walking to the Buddhist temple where Mrs. Shen lived in seclusion, amidst the cold fragrance of plum blossoms .

The sound of the wooden fish rang out again and again in the cold wind, swaying with the cold wind, and even the plum blossoms on the branches trembled with the strikes.

Mr. Shen walked lightly, climbed the bluestone steps and stood quietly at the door, listening to the long and regular sound of the wooden fish, and he felt that his boredom was relieved a lot. He often came here to listen to her wooden fish, one after another, endless and long rhythm, and it seemed to calm his mind and heart, knowing that she was still there.

She raised her finger and was about to knock on the door, but she paused. Forget it, why bother her for no reason. Mr. Shen turned around and was about to leave, but the continuous sound of the wooden fish stopped . Both people inside and outside the door were silent, and no one spoke.

The moonlight was bleak, the plum blossoms were fragrant . They were a young couple, growing old together, but could not say a word to each other, separated by a thin wooden door.

I don’t know how long I stood there , but Mrs. Shen’s voice came from inside the door, saying quietly: “It’s cold at night, go back."

Mr. Shen turned around and paused again: “I never understood you. Since when did you and I become so alienated?"

Mrs. Shen behind the door didn’t speak.

Master Shen sighed, “Since Xuan’er fell into the water, you have become much less friendly to me. I know this for all these years. I sympathize with you and your son. You felt sorry for Xuan’er’s suffering, and I never complained to you. Now you are even worse. You have lived in this Buddhist temple for five years. You are still the mistress of the Shen family. You are avoiding me like this and don’t even want to see me. Isn’t it too much?"

Although he was questioning, he couldn’t even use a harsh tone. His voice was low and soft, as if he had just gotten married and was very respectful and happy for his bride.

Mrs. Shen behind the door is no longer the bride, and he is no longer the young boy he was back then. He is too shy to speak.

They still didn’t speak, and after a pause, the sound of the wooden fish began again, one after another, calmly and slowly.

Mr. Shen sighed, turned around and returned the same way.

After he left, a black figure also appeared in front of the door. Yi Mo, with her long hair disheveled, looked back at Mr. Shen’s staggering back, then turned her head to look at the brass door knocker, raised her hand and knocked lightly.

The wooden door opened silently, and the mistress of the Shen family, dressed in plain clothes, stood at the door. She was dressed simply like a Taoist nun, and she was not surprised by his arrival .

Yi Mo walked in and looked up to see that the Buddha statues were covered with a thick layer of black cloth. He knew that this was specially arranged for him. Although he was surprised, he felt relieved. The clay Buddha had no effect on him. The woman did things just like her son, being thorough and polite. So he was not so unhappy to be invited without permission .

Hot tea was then served. Mrs. Shen sat opposite him. She was as white as snow under the candlelight and had a calm expression. Even without gold, silver, jade jewelry or makeup, she was still naturally beautiful. Moreover, with her age and temperament as a backdrop, she was like a fully blooming white peony.

A woman of her age is still pleasing to the eye, and one wonders what she was like when she was young.

Yi Mo said whatever he thought. Madam Shen smiled and didn’t seem to be offended. She replied, “It’s just a shell. At my age, if I still care about these things, I’ve lived in vain."

He added: “But I can’t help but feel happy when a fairy who has lived for who knows how long praises me."

Yi Mo nodded.

Mother Shen asked again: “How long can Qingxuan live?"

This question was thrown out by her lightly, which caught Yi Mo off guard. He was stunned for a moment before replying: “Five or six years of life span."

Mother Shen did not show any surprise, she just nodded slightly, in the flickering candlelight, a trace of water in her eyes could be vaguely seen, but it disappeared in the blink of an eye. Yi Mo had lived for a thousand years, and this was the first time he had seen such a mother and son. He could not explain what he was thinking, but he just sighed that like mother, like son, such a persevering character.

After a moment of silence, Shen’s mother said, “I suffered when he was born. It took me half a year to recover. During this period, I saw him less often. Later, when he recovered, the nurse brought him to see me, but he didn’t recognize me. At that time, I was just learning to be a mother. I didn’t know how to hold him or how to spoil him. The Shen family is big and powerful, and I was afraid of gossip if I was a little biased. So I kept away from him." As she spoke, she raised her eyes and asked him, “Qingxuan told you everything, right?"

Yi Mo nodded.

“At that time, I didn’t know how to treat him. He was so small, stumbling over to me and calling me mom. I was afraid of bumping into him, of accidentally hurting him, and of being too nice to him, and of someone secretly tripping him up and harming him… My mother’s family was an official family, and my father had seven concubines. I was lucky to be born in the eldest house, so I didn’t suffer too much. I’ve seen a lot of things like this."

When she said this, Yi Mo understood and nodded to listen to her continue.

“I have been on guard and protecting him, but after all, I am still young. After spending a long time in the Shen family, which treats people with sincerity, I believe that treating people with sincerity will bring good results." Shen’s mother smiled slightly, “Unexpectedly, Qingxuan still fell into the trap of his second mother."

Yi Mo sat up straight, not without surprise.

“You are surprised." Mother Shen looked at him and shook her head, “Don’t be surprised. I grew up in a family like that. There are only a few people in the Shen family, and the kinship is very simple – too simple for me, nothing can be hidden from my eyes."

But what’s the use?

Mother Shen smiled to herself. After all, she had misjudged people’s hearts and made a big mistake, ruining her own and her child’s lives.

“You never said it," Yi Mo frowned, “Don’t you even trust your husband?"

Mother Shen nodded and admitted it without any hesitation. If Mr. Shen was present, he would probably be chilled on the spot .

But she had lost her heart to her husband earlier, and even withdrew her trust. Since he brought back this concubine from afar only six years after their marriage, the love between husband and wife became empty words. She no longer believed in him, nor respected him, let alone loved him. She just maintained the most basic etiquette of husband and wife, and lived a respectful life.

In fact, she had known that this day would come. She had made preparations and even looked for a suitable woman for him in private. But she had never expected that this day would come so suddenly. There was not even a letter from home to inform her in advance, and she was not even given the least respect. When she was tossing and turning alone at night, worrying about whether he was well fed and clothed, and whether he was safe and well, his husband brought the young girl back to their home from afar.

Not long after, their child was born.

At that time, she had a near-fatal accident during childbirth and could never have children again.

“Since you know the truth and have evidence, why don’t you go to the authorities?" Yi Mo asked.

“I can’t." Shen’s mother remained calm. “Although the Shen family is not big, there are hundreds of relatives and servants who rely on the Shen family for their livelihood. To be called a servant of the Shen family in Yongcheng is a prestigious status… The Shen family’s reputation has been built up step by step by many ancestors . If I report to the authorities, my personal grudge will be avenged, but the Shen family’s reputation will also be ruined. The master has also suffered a lot to support this family, and he is sick at a young age. If such a joke spreads, outsiders will think that he can’t even manage his own family, how can he manipulate those businesses in the market…"

Mrs. Shen said: “I have made a wrong step and ruined my own child. I cannot ruin the entire Shen family because of my child."

Mrs. Shen said: “The Shen family treated me well."

At that time, she was young, marrying a merchant from an official family. The Shen family paid a lot for the betrothal gifts alone. There were 72 large betrothal gifts and countless small betrothal gifts, stretching for three miles. When crossing the river, the river was full of Shen’s betrothal gift boats, and the shore was full of people watching the excitement.

On her wedding day, the dowry her father gave her was pitifully small.

She thought she would be looked down upon, but the entire Shen family treated her very kindly, and no one ever made a fuss about her meager dowry. At that time, the old lady was still alive, and before she had even lifted her veil, she had a maid bring her the key to the Shen family.

The old lady would avoid the usual gifts from her daughter-in-law whenever possible, and would often send her many things, which were all good things that she had kept for a lifetime. She gave them all to her without any regrets.

There were so many people she had never met, but they all became her relatives, her loved ones, and they were infinitely kind to her, and none of her sisters-in-law or aunts made things difficult for her. Even if there were occasional trivialities or small mistakes, no one would bother her.

The Shen family treated her with infinite kindness.

She had no way to repay him, so she could only work diligently to manage the household business and ensure that everyone in the family lived in health and harmony.

The Shen family’s kindness to her made her willing to repay them with her own death, so when that day came, even though she knew who had harmed her son, she could only endure it and pretend not to let the Shen family be implicated.

can give up the love between husband and wife, but she cannot let down the Shen family.

“Qingxuan always thought I wanted to be a flawless mistress." Madam Shen said to Yi Mo, “He doesn’t know that I failed the moment he was pushed into the ice cave."

“I have failed for many years." Madam Shen still smiled: “Just like when he wanted to kill Shen Zhen, but failed. This is fate, I have already accepted it."

“You really do know." Yi Mo was no longer surprised, and just asked: “If he doesn’t save you, will you let him kill Shen Zhen?"

“No." Mrs. Shen said, “I won’t let him get blood on his hands."

“What if he wanted Shen Zhen to die at that time?"

“I won’t let my son’s hands get bloody," Shen’s mother curled up the corners of her lips, “but I will fulfill his wish."

Yes, she would. Yi Mo could see it in her eyes. If necessary, she would kill Shen Zhen with her own hands to fulfill Shen Qingxuan’s wish. She didn’t do it because she knew that her son was not a cruel murderer.

She knew Shen Qingxuan too well, because he was her son, a child she dared not hold or spoil , nor dote on openly, but she had always been secretly watching his every move.

She has a lot of tenderness and a kind heart. She can pamper other people’s children infinitely, but she doesn’t know what to do with the one she loves the most. She can bear the malice and harm from her most beloved child, and can also accept the child’s indifference and alienation from her. She has no regrets and can still kill for him just to fulfill his wish.

She even had her eyes on a girl from another family and had prepared everything. If Shen Zhen had to die, she would take that girl into the Shen family and make her the second concubine of Master Shen, so that she could continue the Shen family’s bloodline. She had made all the necessary preparations, and she would just wait for Shen Qingxuan to push his wheelchair away from the fire scene, and then she would stop him and tell him not to get bloodstained, and that if he was to go to hell, her mother could do it for him.

But Shen Qingxuan did not leave.

She didn’t know how relieved she was that her son didn’t become a bad person after all.

She kept all of this in her heart for decades, never telling anyone else, and having no one else to confide in.

Everyone thought she didn’t know and understood nothing.

Shen Qingxuan thought his mother was blind; the concubine thought the principal wife was a foolish and kind person;

Even the old nanny who pushed Shen Qingxuan into the ice cave thought that the mistress was a fool who believed everything she heard.

But she knew everything.

She knows everything and she says nothing.

Pretending to be unaware of anything, she existed quietly but not to be ignored in this family, acting as the mistress of the Shen family without a single flaw.

Yi Mo is not a human, so he knows all this because the mother wants to give him a message:

“He won’t live long, so treat him well."

Yi Mo did not speak or respond, but just flipped through the stack of scriptures she had copied and asked, “Written for Shen Qingxuan?"

“I wrote it for myself." Mother Shen said, “I’m afraid I’ll go to the eighteenth level of hell and suffer after I die."

Yi Mo wanted to ask why, but changed his mind and didn’t ask. A woman with this kind of personality could easily let go of the concubine, but she would not let go of the murderer who pushed her son into the ice cave. It was just that she was too tolerant. For many years afterwards, she was more affectionate to the wet nurse and brought her whole family to Yongcheng for resettlement. It was not until a few years later when even the murderer thought that the matter was over that she made it an accident and burned her whole family to death, cutting off her descendants.

“I lit the fire myself." Mrs. Shen said calmly, “I heard her grandson calling her grandma."

Yi Mo was speechless.

Even Shen Qingxuan thought that the incident was an accident, and just thought that evildoers would be punished and it was God’s will.

He never thought that it was his mother who did it herself.

If Mrs. Shen didn’t tell anyone, no one in this world would know. Even the dead ghosts might not know who wanted to kill them.

“You don’t intend to let me tell Shen Qingxuan." Yi Mo rarely looked at another person, a woman, straight in the eye. He looked at her for a long time before slowly saying, “You said so much because you want me to marry him."

Mrs. Shen shook her head: “I hope you can follow me into the Shen family ancestral hall, and I will add your name next to him."

“You are not afraid of a bad reputation now." Yi Mo said sarcastically.

“People always follow the crowd. Today they say the Shen family has a rabbit god. Tomorrow after Qingxuan dies, they will say the Shen family has a strange man. Even fairies admire him and he is included in the Shen family’s ancestral home… This will only increase the Shen family’s reputation." Madam Shen smiled sarcastically and said to him, “You have lived for so many years, don’t you understand this truth? The world is like this, and people’s hearts are like this. The Shen family will be buried by their descendants, but it will not be destroyed by Qingxuan. I just helped him fulfill his wish."

Yi Mo listened and recalled the beating she had done to Shen Qingxuan, which almost killed him. But it was just a show , how could she really beat Shen Qingxuan to death? He couldn’t help but want to laugh, wanting to laugh at himself, wanting to laugh at himself for having lived for so many years, but being unable to outsmart a woman.

Seeing his expression, Mrs. Shen seemed to understand what he was thinking, and said honestly, “It’s not all a show ."

It wasn’t all a show . There was no difference between beating Shen Qingxuan and beating her. She was just angry and resentful. The object of her resentment was not Shen Qingxuan, but herself. She was responsible for her son’s failure to take good care of him, which made him a cripple. She was also responsible for his relationship with the demon, which led him astray, and made him the subject of gossip and ridicule . At that time, she thought that if she beat him to death, she would go with him, and they would no longer be entangled in this dirty and turbid world.

That was why she beat him so severely. She really couldn’t bear to see her son living in humiliation and being stared at and cursed by the world. She could only stay with him and put an end to it once and for all.

Yi Mo looked at her quietly, and after a long time he couldn’t help but laugh: “What a pity."

“What a pity."

“It’s a pity for a woman like you to live in this world." Yi Mo said, “Shen Qingxuan is not as good as you."

“Why?" Mrs. Shen asked, still calmly.

“In one’s lifetime, looking at three to five years is long-term; looking at thirty to fifty years is transcendent;" Yi Mo said: “But you have seen a hundred years. In this respect, Shen Qingxuan cannot compare with you."

“I am his mother." Mrs. Shen answered, and then looked at him and said, “You don’t have to answer me. I already know that you don’t want to get married. But you will regret it."

If Yi Mo didn’t want to be rude, he would have sneered.

“Qingxuan is my son. I know what the result will be if he really wants to get someone, even if it’s a monster. And you are not a heartless monster." Mother Shen stood up and made a gesture to see the guest off: “You should learn to be a little heartless, otherwise you will regret it."

Yi Mo didn’t argue with her, nor did he care about such a vague and illusory matter. He just stood up and walked towards the door.

“If you regret it in the future," Shen’s mother said calmly behind him, “just marry him."

Yi Mo turned around when he heard the voice. The two wooden doors slowly closed and the snow-white face gradually disappeared. It was even more indifferent and detached than him.

He also felt a little angry and couldn’t help but answer: “It’s okay for him to marry me. But if you insist that I marry him, there is no mother and son like you in the world."

Mother Shen’s voice was very low behind the door, but she knew he could hear it.

She said, “Don’t tell Xuan’er about what happened tonight."

He also said: “Remember to be less gracious."

Yi Mo didn’t know where she saw the shadow of his deep affection and gratitude, he just felt that her earnest advice was as if he had become her child, and the concern of an elder was sincere.

Yi Mo found it absurd.

The sound of wooden fish rang out again in the Buddhist temple. Yi Mo took a step forward and couldn’t help but look back at the small Buddhist temple. After looking for a moment, he turned around and walked again. After walking two steps, he stopped again and looked back. He looked as if he was going to look back every three steps. He couldn’t help but laugh at himself. Why should he be so serious with a woman in the world? It was all just a passing cloud.

It is indeed a fleeting thing.

Shen Qingxuan passed away in the blink of an eye, and Master Shen also passed away a year later. Shen Zhen still had to go abroad to take up his post, leaving only Shen’s mother in charge of the Shen family.

When Yi Mo saw her again, her hair was already white, but there were not many wrinkles on her face.

Shen Qingxuan refused to be buried in the ancestral tomb and insisted on being buried on the mountain. When Yi Mo met her, she was burning paper at Shen Qingxuan’s grave.

She squatted there quietly, picking up pieces of paper money and burning them for her son who was buried in the ground. In the firelight, her eyes became clearer and brighter, as if she were someone from another world. Seeing him coming, Mrs. Shen pointed at the widow on the tombstone and said lightly: “You will still have to call me mother in the end."

Yi Mo said: “I just fulfilled his last wish."

Mrs. Shen said indifferently: “My sons are very stubborn."

Yi Mo was speechless and stood silently by the side watching her burn paper money carefully. One of them squatted and the other stood, one burned for the other to see, their white hair and black hair fluttering in the wind with ashes.

After all the paper money was burned, Mrs. Shen stood up, picked up the empty basket, and said to him:

“My time is coming, so you don’t need to be the coffin bearer."

“I have no relationship with you, why should I hold your coffin?" Yi Mo closed his mouth after saying that. He felt powerless when he saw Shen’s mother pointing at the five words “Widow Yi Mo". The mother and son of the Shen family were probably sent by God to bring him down. They were very annoyed with him for being so wild for so long, so they first sent Shen Qingxuan and then his mother. They were both good at talking and took advantage of him.

“You don’t need to hold the coffin, but you have to promise me that if the Shen family encounters a major disaster in the future, you must help."

The woman had a calculating heart. Yi Mo asked, “Is this why you came here?"

“It’s mainly to say goodbye to you." Mother Shen nodded at him, then bent down and stroked her son’s cold tombstone. This was the first time she had come to see his grave in so many years, and it was also her first and last time to burn paper money for him.

The longer she spent in the temple, the clearer she understood.

In this world, no one can stay with anyone until the end, and the same goes for mother and child, they are just passers-by in life.

Mother Shen stood up, straightened her dress, and said to Yi Mo: “If you don’t refuse, I will take it as your consent."

And left.

Two months later, the old lady of the Shen family passed away, and Shen Zhen rushed back to preside over the funeral. As expected, Yi Mo did not carry her coffin. There were many young relatives of the Shen family who carried her coffin, and it was not the turn of a person from another family like him. He hid his figure and watched her coffin go around the city. Every household opened their doors and hung banners to see her off. This was a treatment that no one in Yongzhou City had enjoyed for many years.

After the crowd dispersed, Yi Mo came to the burial site of the Shen family’s ancestral tomb and saw that she was buried next to Master Shen. It was a double tomb.

He washed his hands and lit three incense sticks for the dead woman.

He had never respected anyone except Shen Qingxuan’s mother. She was the only person he respected in this world.