痕書站

　　午後陽光正好，沈清軒坐在桌前，手中撚著一張薄薄的信紙，一手托著腮，邊看邊思索回信，一邊還打了個困頓的呵欠，十足的懶洋洋模樣。呵欠打完，眼淚都出來了，他又放下信揉眼睛，揉了片刻，索性往桌上一趴，把臉埋進手肘裡，看樣子像是要打個盹。
　　伊墨在他身後的貴妃榻上斜斜倚著，手裡拿了本書，看的漫不經心，卻也還算認真，只是這份認真叫前面的人幾個呵欠打沒了，徹底沒法子聚精會神。放下手中書，伊墨道：“什麼人的信，叫你看成這副模樣？”
　　沈清軒聞聲頭也不抬，聲音含糊地答道：“我兄弟的家書。”略頓，又發牢騷著嘀咕：“這孩子筆墨也算精通，怎麼寫起家書來就倒退成了三歲娃兒，嘮嘮叨叨黏黏糊糊，一句話翻來覆去能說個八九十遍，也不嫌繁瑣。我都嗅到這紙上他嘀咕時流下的涎水了。”
　　伊墨說：“我看看。”伸手，那桌上綴滿小字的紙張就一一飛起來，飄到他手裡去了。
　　
　　果然那五六張紙上，翻來覆去都是那些話，無外乎想家，過年了更想家，想爹爹想娘想哥哥等等。再就是這裡的飯菜難吃的很，沒有家裡的好吃，水也難喝，泡得茶都是鹹苦的味兒。言辭間滿滿的撒嬌味道，幾乎要溢出字裡行間，將人黏裹起來。伊墨看得都忍不住皺起眉頭，說：“這都是什麼。”
　　沈清軒哼哼笑一聲，終於抬起臉來，還是滿眼惺忪，道：“這樣的家書我每月都要收到好幾封，可見是他晚上坐在燈下寫完一封叫人送來，隔兩天又寫一封，再叫人送。否則這路途遙遠，一月能通信一次就算不錯了。”
　　伊墨問：“你都回了？”
　　沈清軒搖搖頭：“先前幾次還回得勤快，最近懶惰了。我原覺得他嬌慣些，這也不算什麼大毛病，現在看來也不算是個小毛病。就讓他一人在那裡冷落著，下個月我再回就是了。”
　　
　　兩人正說著話，丫鬟在外通報了一聲，說是老夫人來了。沈清軒登時閉了嘴，臉上表情有些不悅，說了聲快請，沈清軒轉過臉沖伊墨道：“可是來了，我尋思著再慢也不像她性子。”
　　伊墨不說話，望著沈清軒自己推著椅子前去開門，自發地隱了身形，省得囉嗦。
　　沈清軒打開門沒一會，沈母就帶著丫鬟走了進來。手中捧著一本書，神色端莊的很。
　　看著自家娘親那張親切熟悉的臉，沈清軒心中也不知是個什麼滋味，心想或許官家小姐都是這樣的，端莊溫善，為人處事落落大方，卻又少了些小門小戶人家的親熱，他們母子，雖是骨肉相連，卻始終彬彬有禮。沈清軒甚至都不記得自己娘親有沒有抱過自己，反倒是奶娘和二娘在他幼時常將他抱在懷裡寵溺。到頭來最先置他於死地的，卻是待他最親熱的。
　　世事出人意料，也不過如此。
　　沈清軒喊了聲娘，母子二人坐在桌前，沈母打量了一下四周，道：“怎麼沒見你那位客人？”
　　沈清軒心道能見著才奇怪，說：“出門去了。”
　　沈母點點頭，沈清軒換了話題，問：“娘親來可有什麼吩咐？”
　　經他提醒，沈母才想起來似的，將手中書放在桌上，道：“我向佛祖許了心願，現今實現了。你我母子當一同抄寫佛經，以謝菩薩顯靈才是。娘將佛經拿來了，你若閒暇下來，替娘多抄幾份。”
　　沈清軒立時明白她說的心願是什麼，雖然知道自己嗓子恢復和佛祖無關，也不好推辭，應了下來，接了佛經放在一邊，道：“孩兒抄寫就是，只是年後事物繁雜，怕是抄不出那麼多。”
　　沈母道：“無事，盡心即可。”
　　沈清軒說好，倒了茶遞過去，又問：“娘親還有何事？”
　　
　　沈母猶豫了一下，才說明真正來意，並不出沈清軒的預料，又是親事。她是沈家女主，誕下一子，也算是完成了為沈家傳承香火的責任，現今兒子早已成人，因身體之故不曾娶妻，二十有八的年紀，才好不容易答應娶妻納妾，妾室卻不爭氣，懷了個男胎卻又掉了。定了的親事，也推得乾淨，眼看著又要形單影隻，沈家香火無繼，她豈能不心急？
　　沈清軒就知道有這麼一出，見自己母親憂鬱的神情，心裡生出幾分懊悔來，悔不該早早就退了親，再拖幾月也好得幾月自在。現在倒好，親事剛退還沒幾天，婚姻大事又提到門檻上來了。
　　沈清軒暗自歎了口氣，目光朝那貌似空無一人的貴妃榻上瞟了一眼，心裡懊惱又添幾分。都是這蛇，把他滿腔心意變成了以身相許，歡好也做成施捨的姿態，讓他灰了心，生了斷絕關係的念頭，跑下山做了娶妻生子的打算。想到此沈清軒在心裡扇了自己幾個嘴巴，自知還是年輕氣盛，經不住事沉不住氣，熱血一激就犯渾，給自己找麻煩。
　　可事已至此，懊惱也無濟於事，只得給自己想條出路才是。
　　
　　沈清軒緘默半天，才道：“娘，我雖是能出聲了，身體卻並未好轉，仍舊是天天吃著補湯參丸才有精神。腿腳雖然有伊兄許諾給我醫好，卻也是陳年舊疾，脈絡不通多年，骨子裡的病是作下了，養不好的。就是有好姑娘願意嫁我，我也娶不起，萬一我撒手歸西，丟了人家做寡，害得人家一輩子，可不又是造孽？娘是慈悲人，疼兒子是善，憐惜人家姑娘也是善。與自己善，再大也是小善，與他人善，再小也是大善。娘親慈悲一輩子，可不要因為兒子，壞了佛性才好。”
　　沈母臉上溫慈陡然有些掛不住，臉色都白了兩分。沈清軒自知這話說得有些重了，卻也並不愧疚。人說母子連心，他太瞭解自己母親，一生為善，從不猜疑他人用心。所以當年他落入冰窟，明明後來數次當著她的面對二娘展露了不懂掩藏的厭惡，這當娘親的，也沒有起任何疑心，哭了幾夜後照常待那害她兒子的女人如親妹妹。甚至她極少溺愛自己孩子，卻將沈禎抱在懷裡疼著溺著。出事之後，將他對弟弟和二娘的厭惡，當成厄運過後的孤僻。
　　從不問一句，為什麼那麼厭惡這對母子，明明以前和她們那麼親？
　　她從來沒有問過她一句。一句也沒有。反而責怪他因為自身的厄運，而遷怒別人，失了風度。
　　這就是官家小姐的風範。待人大度，與人為善，辦事周圓，不肯讓自己落任何話柄，連自己兒子也不能。
　　
　　沈清軒其實是有怨氣的。
　　怎麼會沒有呢？自己還是個孩子，出了這麼大的事，吃了這麼多苦頭和委屈，自己娘親都不疑有它，反而對害他的人信賴無比，那個被她抱在懷裡的孩子，如果不是那個他稱為弟弟的孩子的存在，怎麼會有他被推進冰窟的事發生。好好的年華，一生皆廢！
　　恨是談不上，只是滿腹怨懟無處排解，在他在還需保護的年齡裡，最親的親人卻沒有一個能在他身邊伸出手來拉他一把。甚至自己的親娘，也沒有對他說一句別怕，娘在。
　　只留他自己，一個人蜷在床上默默體味殘廢的感受，連控訴都不能。眼睜睜看著自己娘親和自己的仇人，抵頭談笑，互相謙讓，對坐繡花。他什麼都不能說，什麼都不能做，甚至下去把自己娘親拉開都辦不到。最後只好認命。
　　是了，這就是他母親。官宦人家知書達理的大家閨秀，驕傲的一輩子不允許任何人說她一句不好，讓人人心悅誠服地拜倒在她腳下，尊敬無比地喊一聲夫人。
　　連女人最起碼的爭風吃醋，她都不屑去做的。她的丈夫，一輩子敬她。
　　她的兒子，也只能敬她。
　　
　　目送娘親走遠，沈清軒望著她的背影，目送那筆直挺立的端莊背影消失在視野裡，才緩緩轉過頭，對著榻上那一角，微笑著道：“伊兄，我們來談談天。認識快一年了，我還沒和你好好說說話呢。”
　　伊墨顯了身形，望著他的神色，一揮手，“說。”
　　沈清軒坐直身體，重新拿起那張沈禎的家書，看了片刻，放下，仍是噙著笑：“不如談談我弟弟罷。”
　　沈禎。
　　沈清軒念叨著這個名字，思緒回溯，那時沈禎剛學會走路，長了幾顆小乳牙，每天流著口水，像個胖乎乎的小鴨子一樣，不顧娘親的阻止，總是往他這裡跑。二娘不准他來，他就哭，嗓門特別嘹亮，一嚎起來連院中鳥蟲都噤了聲。那才叫嚎啕大哭。哭也就罷了，光嫩嫩的小屁股往泥土裡一坐，蹬著腿兒打滾。滾的一身土，滿臉灰，眼淚在臉上刷出兩道小溝溝，氣都喘不上來。
　　每回二娘無可奈何的把他抱來時，沈禎都是個小土蛋蛋。
　　
　　人人都知道沈清軒厄運過後性情大改。誰也不理。先時也不理沈禎，後來經不住這髒蛋蛋的軟磨硬泡，終是理了。兩人常常黏在一塊，分也分不開，連睡覺，都抱在一起的。
　　一個半大不小的孩子，抱著一個軟綿綿的幼童，蓋著一床被子，睡的香甜。
　　真正是兄友弟恭。
　　卻沒有人知道，沈禎每天都吃哥哥送給他的“糖丸”，那“糖丸”是沈清軒抓了院中蚯蚓松過的泥土，搓成的泥球，泡了糖水裹在外面，威嚇著他吃下。沈禎苦著臉，怕哥哥不理他，每天都吃。吃完了就肚子痛，隔三茬五看大夫，後來大夫下了猛藥，那孩子肚子裡落下幾條蟲子來。僅僅是這樣的小折騰，原本圓鼓鼓的小腮幫子，立刻就沒了。卻從來不敢對別人說，因為說了，哥哥就不理他，還會揍他。
　　後來大些了，沈清軒知道他能記事了，就不幹這樣的事。使著眼色，慫恿他上樹掏鳥，專挑那些枝幹細小的樹讓他去，沈禎上去了，每回都摔下來，摔了幾次，也聰明了，每次都爬的不高就故意摔下去，摔也摔得不太疼。他的哥哥哪裡容他在自己面前使心眼，於是有一天，挑了個長出院牆的大樹，讓他去掏上面的鳥窩。
　　沈禎上去了，上到最高。不敢下來。
　　沈清軒張了手，用口型說你跳，我接著。雖然隔得遠，沈禎看不見他的口型，卻也明白他的意思。
　　沈禎那時六歲，虎頭虎腦地望他一會，就真跳了。
　　沈清軒怎麼可能會接他。只動也不動，冷眼看著他跳下來。
　　沈禎半途被樹枝掛住，沒摔斷胳膊腿，卻也肩膀脫了臼，掛在樹上也不知哭了多久，才有人趕來救他。他被傭人抱著去找大夫，在傭人懷裡，發現之前坐在樹下的哥哥已經不見了。
　　
　　那個時候，沈禎雖然懵懂，卻也隱約明白，哥哥是不喜歡他的，討厭他的，想要害他的。
　　只是他仍喜歡哥哥，仍要跟在他身後，扶在他的腿上，看著從來沒站起來的哥哥和顏悅色的對他笑。
　　每次在他傷得更重的時候，哥哥就笑得更燦爛些。眼神也明亮起來，不再那麼陰沉。
　　於是沈禎繼續頂著調皮淘氣的名頭，讓自己一次次受傷。
　　直到有一次，沈清軒給了他火撚子，讓他在柴房裡點火，說生火烤紅薯吃。等他放了火準備出去時，才發現柴房的門被鎖了。他拉不開，再也出不去，火越來越大，在火舌舔舐到臉龐時，八歲的沈禎透過燃燒的窗櫺看到了哥哥的臉。仍是含著笑的，笑意盈盈地望著他。
　　沈禎說：“哥哥！”
　　“哥哥！”
　　“哥哥哥哥哥哥哥哥！！”
　　他什麼話都不說，他只喊哥哥。
　　一如當年墜入冰窟的沈清軒，沖著推他下去的背影喊奶娘，一遍遍的喊，直到嗓子撕裂出血，再也發不出聲音。
　　
　　他的哥哥，當年喊破了喉嚨，也沒有人來救。而他卻有。
　　沈清軒終是打開了柴房的門，爬著將嚇傻了的孩子拖出來，撲滅了他身上的火，一手摟著他爬到一邊，兄弟兩人便抱在一起，看著那柴房化為灰燼。
　　事後沒有人知道這場火是為什麼燃起，也沒有人知道才十五歲的沈清軒怎麼把沈禎從火場裡拖了出來，沈清軒說不了話，沈禎則一提到火就打哆嗦，死活不說。
　　直到一天夜裡，沈清軒迷蒙中醒來，黑暗中的床邊站了一個小小的身影。那身影在寒氣中瑟瑟發抖，光著腳丫踩在地上，怯生生地望著床榻上的兄長。
　　沈禎說：“哥哥，你不討厭我了嗎？”
　　沈清軒燃了燭火，看著他，也不知多久，才點了頭。
　　往事至此俱消散。
　　
　　沈清軒喝了一盞茶，又倒了一盞，沉默著，仰頭喝下，才看向伊墨，笑：“很奇怪。我對他做了那麼多壞事，後來又對他好，心裡卻沒有一點愧疚。我只覺得，我當初要害他是應該，後來不害他，對他好，也是該的。從來沒有一點愧疚感。你說奇怪不奇怪？”
　　伊墨搖了搖頭：“不奇怪。”
　　沈清軒看著他。伊墨沉默了一會，道：“他是同情你的。”
　　沈清軒聞言想了想，“嗯”了一聲贊同，又道：“如果我身體健全，他是不如我的，學業也好前程也罷，我定是勝他許多，或許到了今天，他是討厭我的。”
　　伊墨說：“你倒是想得透徹。”又說：“不過所言不虛。”隨後伊墨講了個故事，也是一對兄弟，家中雖不是大富大貴，卻也不差，弟弟小哥哥兩歲，也是妾室所生。哥哥早慧，天資聰穎，事事都強他一籌，家中長輩時常拿兄弟二人一起評論，都說弟弟蠢笨，哥哥優秀。這話說得多了，弟弟心裡就結了怨，恨上了哥哥，整個童年都陰鬱著，沒有一點快樂，因為好東西都是哥哥的，他的都是哥哥撿剩下的。後來父親死了，弟弟登時和哥哥分了家，兩人再不來往。之後哥哥入仕，如魚得水，大富大貴，弟弟則平庸的做了個行腳商人，飲風食露，辛苦度日。
　　直到二十年後，哥哥仕途上走錯一步，被剝了官職，打回原籍。弟弟也在多年辛苦後有了自己的商號，頗有資產。哥哥無處可去，就來投靠弟弟。
　　兄弟數十年再見，弟弟衣著光鮮，滿面紅光，哥哥衣衫襤褸，面黃肌瘦，且染了重病。
　　
　　伊墨講到這裡停下，問沈清軒：“你說他們兄弟會如何？”
　　沈清軒想了想，笑道：“弟弟自然是接納了哥哥，給他好吃好穿，醫了他的病，真正開始手足之情。”
　　伊墨點頭：“沒錯。”
　　“我若是弟弟，我也會這麼做。”沈清軒說：“還有什麼比看到曾經高不可攀的人匍匐在自己腳下，接受自己施捨而來得大快人心呢？”
　　伊墨聞言看了看他，思索著，而後道：“並非如此。”
　　“那是什麼？”
　　“你終究是差了一點。”伊墨緩緩道：“他們雖有間隙，卻到底是親兄弟，骨子裡的血脈相連。所以弟弟接納哥哥，善待他，並非完全因為報復。而是當弟弟看到哥哥落魄的樣子，首先想到的是他自己。他也曾卑微過，被歧視過，他知道其間辛苦。時隔多年，兄弟二人相見，那一刻，並非施與舍的關係。而是他們之間終於平等相對，可以撇開一切外力干擾，重拾手足之情。”
　　伊墨說：“沈清軒，你害沈禎，是因為你知道自己是受害者，而沈禎是整場事件的得益人。你不放過他，理所應當，不需要愧疚。後來你救他，疼惜他，也是因為你終究讓他九死一生，體味到你受得苦楚。你們終是扯平了，更無需愧疚。”
　　伊墨說：“我說的可對？”
　　沈清軒無言。
　　
　　又不知過了多久，才點了點頭，笑歎：“對的。”略頓，又道：“其實沈禎從來不問我以前為什麼討厭他，或許他隱約猜到了什麼，只是不敢說而已……這一點跟我一樣。”
　　沈清軒想，到底是兄弟。即使不清楚地點出來，也知道這件事一旦捅破，後果可能是不可預料的。
　　他們不能說，不能問。因為沈家是他們生長的地方，即使有再多不好。那些不好，也抵不過那些讓他們眷戀的好。
　　沒有人忍心，真正將這個家毀掉。
　　所以那些不好，也只能藏著掩著，死死壓著。任時光蹉跎，光陰磨礪，最後腐化成肉裡的一根爛刺。也許會有什麼機緣，讓這根爛掉的刺被拔出來，化成塵埃，讓傷處重新長出肉芽，癒合它。
　　
　　沈清軒推了自己椅子過去，牽了伊墨的手，什麼話都不說，只靜靜牽著。
　　十指相扣，靜寂無聲。
　　仿佛這樣牽著，要走到時光的盡頭去。
　　屋外陽光遍地，照在未融化的雪上，一片耀目。
　　沈清軒說：“何其有幸。”
　　而後不再出聲。
　　他不說完，伊墨也知。
　　那句話是——何其有幸，讓我遇上你。
　　
　　許是陽光太好的緣故，伊墨就讓他牽著手，並肩看著窗外景色，不曾抽離。

————————————————

In the afternoon, the sun was shining brightly. Shen Qingxuan sat at the table, twisting a thin piece of letter paper in his hand, holding his cheek with one hand, reading and thinking about his reply, while yawning, looking very lazy. After yawning, tears came out. He put down the letter and rubbed his eyes. After rubbing for a while, he simply lay down on the table and buried his face in his elbows, looking like he was going to take a nap.

Yi Mo was leaning on the chaise longue behind him , holding a book in his hand, reading it carelessly but seriously. However, this seriousness made the people in front of him yawn a few times, and they couldn’t concentrate at all. Putting down the book in his hand, Yi Mo asked, “Whose letter is it that makes you look at it like this?"

Shen Qingxuan didn’t even raise his head when he heard the voice, and replied vaguely, “My brother’s letter home." After a pause, he grumbled , “This kid is good at writing, but how come he regresses to a three-year-old when writing letters home? He’s nagging and sticky , repeating the same sentence eighty or ninety times, and he doesn’t think it’s too tedious. I can even smell the saliva he shed on the paper when he muttered."

Yi Mo said, “Let me see." He stretched out his hand, and the papers covered with small words on the table flew up one by one and floated into his hands.

Sure enough, on those five or six pieces of paper, there were the same words over and over again, nothing more than missing home, missing home even more during the New Year, missing dad, mom, brother, etc. And the food here is very bad, not as good as at home, the water is also hard to drink, and the tea is salty and bitter. The words are full of coquettish flavor, almost overflowing from the lines, wrapping people up . Yi Mo couldn’t help but frowning and said, “What is this."

Shen Qingxuan chuckled and finally raised his face, still with sleepy eyes, and said, “I receive several letters like this every month. It seems that he sits under the lamp at night and writes one letter and asks someone to deliver it. Two days later, he writes another letter and asks someone to deliver it. Otherwise, the distance is too long, and it would be good if he could communicate once a month."

Yi Mo asked: “Have you returned yet?"

Shen Qingxuan shook his head: “He was diligent in the previous few times, but he has been lazy recently. I thought he was a little spoiled, and it was not a big problem. Now it seems that it is not a small problem. Let him be alone there , and I will go back next month."

As the two were talking, the maid outside announced that the old lady had arrived. Shen Qingxuan immediately shut up, with an unhappy expression on his face. He said, " Please hurry up ." Shen Qingxuan turned to Yi Mo and said, “But she’s here. I thought it wouldn’t be like her to be slow."

Yi Mo didn’t say anything. He watched Shen Qingxuan push his chair to open the door by himself, and then he hid himself spontaneously to avoid being talked too much.

Not long after Shen Qingxuan opened the door, Shen’s mother came in with her maid. She was holding a book in her hands, looking very dignified.

Looking at his mother’s familiar face, Shen Qingxuan didn’t know what he felt. He thought that maybe all the young ladies from official families were like this, dignified and kind, and behaved in a generous manner, but lacked the intimacy of a small family. Although they were related by blood, they were always polite. Shen Qingxuan didn’t even remember whether his mother had held him. Instead, it was the wet nurse and the second mother who often held him in their arms and spoiled him when he was young . In the end, the one who put him to death first was the one who treated him the most affectionately.

Things in the world are unexpected, that’s just how it is.

Shen Qingxuan called out “mother", and the mother and son sat at the table. Shen’s mother looked around and said, “Why don’t I see your guest?"

Shen Qingxuan thought it would be strange to see him, and said, “He went out."

Mother Shen nodded, and Shen Qingxuan changed the subject and asked, “Does mother have any instructions?"

After he reminded her, Shen’s mother seemed to remember something, put the book in her hand on the table, and said, “I made a wish to the Buddha, and now it has come true. You and I should copy the Buddhist scriptures together to thank the Bodhisattva for appearing. Mother has brought the Buddhist scriptures. If you have time, please copy a few more copies for me."

Shen Qingxuan immediately understood what she wanted. Although he knew that the recovery of his voice had nothing to do with the Buddha, he could not refuse. He accepted the request, took the Buddhist scriptures and put them aside, and said, “I will copy them, but things are complicated after the New Year, so I am afraid I can’t copy so much."

Mother Shen said: “It’s okay, just do your best."

Shen Qingxuan agreed, poured some tea and handed it over, then asked, “What else do you want, mother?"

Mother Shen hesitated for a moment before explaining her real purpose. It was not beyond Shen Qingxuan’s expectation, it was another marriage. She was the mistress of the Shen family, and she had given birth to a son, which was also considered to be her responsibility to carry on the Shen family’s incense. Now her son has grown up, and due to health reasons, he has never married. At the age of 28, she finally agreed to marry a wife and a concubine, but the concubine was not up to the task and got pregnant with a boy but then miscarried. The arranged marriage was also pushed aside. Seeing that she would be alone again, and the Shen family’s incense would be lost, how could she not be anxious?

Shen Qingxuan knew this would happen. Seeing his mother’s melancholy expression, he felt a little regretful. He regretted that he should have called off the engagement so early. It would have been better to delay it for a few more months . Now , the marriage was brought up again after only a few days of the marriage being called off.

Shen Qingxuan sighed secretly, and glanced at the seemingly empty chaise longue , feeling even more annoyed. It was all because of this snake that his full of love turned into a promise of his body, and his love turned into a gesture of charity, which made him discouraged and thought of breaking off the relationship. He ran down the mountain and planned to marry and have children. Thinking of this, Shen Qingxuan slapped himself in his heart, knowing that he was still young and hot-tempered, and could not stand things and could not keep his temper. When his blood was aroused, he would make mistakes and cause trouble for himself.

But now that things have come to this, there is no point in worrying about it. I can only think of a way out for myself.

Shen Qingxuan was silent for a long time before he said, “Mother, although I can speak, my health has not improved. I still have to take tonic soup and ginseng pills every day to feel energetic. Although my legs and feet have been cured by my brother Yi, they are old diseases. My blood vessels have been blocked for many years. The disease in my bones has been established and cannot be cured. Even if there is a good girl willing to marry me, I can’t afford it. What if I die and leave her as a widow , ruining her life, isn’t it a sin? Mother is a compassionate person. Loving your son is good, and pitying the girl is also good. Being kind to yourself, no matter how big it is, is a small kindness. Being kind to others, no matter how small it is, is a great kindness. Mother has been compassionate all her life, please don’t ruin your Buddha nature because of your son."

The kindness on Shen’s mother’s face suddenly lost some of its warmth, and her face turned two shades paler. Shen Qingxuan knew that what he said was a bit harsh, but he did not feel guilty. People say that mother and child are connected by heart, and he knew his mother too well. She had been kind all her life and never suspected other people’s intentions. So when he fell into the ice cave, even though he showed his disgust to Second Mother in front of her several times afterwards, his mother did not have any suspicion. After crying for a few nights, she treated the woman who harmed her son as her own sister as usual. She even rarely doted on her own children, but she held Shen Zhen in her arms and doted on him . After the accident, she regarded his disgust for his brother and Second Mother as loneliness after bad luck.

He never asked why he hated this mother and son so much, even though he was so close to them before.

She never asked her a question. Not a single question. Instead, she blamed him for taking his anger out on others because of his own misfortune and for losing his composure.

This is the style of a young lady from an official family. She is generous and kind to others, and she is tactful in her work. She doesn’t want to be criticized by anyone , even her own son.

Shen Qingxuan actually had some resentment.

How could it not happen? He was still a child, and such a big thing happened, and he suffered so much pain and grievances, but his mother did not doubt it, and instead trusted the person who hurt him . If the child in her arms was not the child he called his brother, how could he be pushed into the ice cave? His best years, his whole life was wasted!

It’s not hatred, but resentment that he has nowhere to vent. At an age when he still needs protection, none of his closest relatives can lend him a hand. Even his own mother didn’t say to him, “Don’t be afraid, I’m here."

He was left alone, curled up in bed, silently savoring the feeling of being disabled, unable to even complain. He watched helplessly as his mother and his enemy, talking and laughing with their heads close together, yielding to each other, sitting opposite each other and embroidering. He could not say anything, could not do anything, and could not even go down to pull his mother away. In the end, he had to accept his fate.

Yes, this was his mother. A well-educated and well-mannered lady from an official family, she was so proud that she would never allow anyone to say anything bad about her. She made everyone bow down at her feet and call her Madam with great respect.

She didn’t even bother to be jealous, which was the most basic thing for a woman. Her husband respected her all his life.

Her son can only respect her.

Shen Qingxuan watched his mother walk away, looking at her back, watching that straight and dignified back disappear from his sight, then he slowly turned his head and said to the corner of the couch with a smile: “Brother Yi, let’s have a chat. I have known each other for almost a year, and I haven’t had a good talk with you yet."

Yi Mo showed up, looked at his expression, and waved his hand, “Speak."

Shen Qingxuan sat up straight, picked up the letter from Shen Zhen again, read it for a moment, put it down, and still smiled: “Why not talk about my brother?"

Shen Zhen.

Shen Qingxuan kept repeating this name, thinking back to when Shen Zhen had just learned to walk and had grown a few small baby teeth. He drooled every day like a chubby little duck, and always ran to him despite his mother’s disapproval. When his second mother didn’t allow him to come, he cried, and his voice was so loud that even the birds and insects in the yard were silent . That was called howling loudly. Crying would be fine, but he sat down with his tender little butt in the mud, kicked his legs and rolled around. He rolled in the mud, his face was covered with dust, and his tears made two small grooves on his face , and he couldn’t even breathe.

Every time Er Niang brought him to her helplessly, Shen Zhen was a little rustic boy.

Everyone knew that Shen Qingxuan’s personality changed drastically after his misfortune. He ignored everyone. At first, he ignored Shen Zhen, but later, he couldn’t stand the dirty egg’s soft and hard persuasion and finally paid attention to him. The two of them often stuck together, inseparable, even sleeping, hugging each other.

A half-grown child was holding a soft toddler, covered with a quilt, and sleeping soundly.

They are truly brothers who love each other and respect each other.

But no one knew that Shen Zhen ate the “sugar pills" his brother gave him every day. The “sugar pills" were made of mud balls that Shen Qingxuan had loosened with earthworms in the yard, and then wrapped in sugar water to intimidate him into eating. Shen Zhen had a bitter face, afraid that his brother would ignore him, so he ate it every day. He had a stomachache after eating it, and went to see a doctor every few days. Later, the doctor gave him a strong medicine, and several worms fell into the child’s stomach. Just such a small trouble, the originally chubby little cheeks disappeared immediately. But he never dared to tell others, because if he did, his brother would ignore him and beat him.

When he was older, Shen Qingxuan knew that he could remember things, so he stopped doing such things. He winked at him and encouraged him to climb trees to take birds, and specifically chose trees with thin branches. Shen Zhen climbed up, but he fell down every time. After falling a few times, he became smarter and fell down on purpose every time he did n’t climb high enough, so he didn’t hurt much. His brother would never let him play tricks in front of him, so one day, he chose a big tree that grew out of the courtyard wall and asked him to take the bird’s nest on it.

Shen Zhen went up, to the highest point, and didn’t dare to come down.

Shen Qingxuan opened his hands and mouthed, “You dance, I’ll follow." Although they were far apart and Shen Zhen couldn’t see his mouth shape, he understood what he meant.

Shen Zhen was six years old at that time. He looked at him fiercely for a while, and then really jumped.

How could Shen Qingxuan possibly pick him up? He just stood there motionless, watching him jump down coldly.

Shen Zhen was caught by a tree branch halfway through the journey. Although his arms and legs were not broken, his shoulder was dislocated. He hung on the tree and cried for an unknown amount of time before someone came to rescue him. He was carried by a servant to find a doctor. In the servant’s arms, he found that his brother, who had been sitting under the tree before, was gone.

At that time, although Shen Zhen was ignorant, he vaguely understood that his brother did not like him, hated him, and wanted to harm him.

But he still liked his brother, and still wanted to follow him, hold on to his legs, and watch his brother who never stood up smile at him kindly.

Every time when he was hurt more seriously, his brother would smile more brightly and his eyes would become brighter, no longer so gloomy.

So Shen Zhen continued to bear the reputation of being naughty and mischievous, and got himself hurt again and again.

Until one day, Shen Qingxuan gave him a fire starter and asked him to light a fire in the woodshed, saying that he would make a fire to roast sweet potatoes . When he lit the fire and was about to go out, he found that the door of the woodshed was locked. He couldn’t open it and couldn’t get out. The fire was getting bigger and bigger . When the flames licked his face, the eight-year-old Shen Zhen saw his brother’s face through the burning window. He was still smiling, looking at him with a smile.

Shen Zhen said: “Brother!"

“elder brother!"

“ Brother, brother, brother, brother !!”

He didn’t say anything, he just called me brother.

Just like Shen Qingxuan who fell into the ice cave that year, he called for his nanny at the back of the person who pushed him in, over and over again until his throat was torn and bleeding and he could no longer make a sound.

His brother screamed his throat out, but no one came to save him. But he did.

Shen Qingxuan finally opened the door of the woodshed, crawled out and dragged the frightened child out, put out the fire on him, and crawled to the side with one hand holding him. The two brothers hugged each other and watched the woodshed turn to ashes.

Afterwards, no one knew why the fire started, and no one knew how Shen Qingxuan, who was only fifteen years old, dragged Shen Zhen out of the fire. Shen Qingxuan was unable to speak, and Shen Zhen trembled at the mention of fire and refused to say a word.

Until one night, Shen Qingxuan woke up from a daze and saw a small figure standing beside the bed in the dark. The figure was shivering in the cold, stepping on the ground with bare feet, and looking timidly at his brother on the bed.

Shen Zhen said: “Brother, don’t you hate me anymore?"

Shen Qingxuan lit a candle and looked at him for an unknown amount of time before nodding.

The past is gone now.

Shen Qingxuan drank a cup of tea, poured another one, and drank it in silence. Then he looked up and looked at Yi Mo and smiled, “It’s very strange. I did so many bad things to him, and then I treated him well, but I didn’t feel guilty at all. I just felt that I was right to harm him at the beginning, and I was also right not to harm him and treat him well later. I never felt any guilt. Don’t you think it’s strange?"

Yi Mo shook his head: “Not strange."

Shen Qingxuan looked at him. Yi Mo was silent for a while and said, “He sympathizes with you."

Shen Qingxuan thought about it after hearing this, and agreed with a “hmm", and then said: “If I were healthy, he would not be as good as me. Whether it is academic or future, I must be much better than him. Maybe today, he hates me."

Yi Mo said, “You have thought it through." He added, “But what you said is true." Then Yi Mo told a story about a pair of brothers. Although their family was not rich, they were not bad. The younger brother was two years younger than the older brother and was also born to a concubine. The older brother was precocious and intelligent. He was better than him in everything. The elders in the family often commented on the two brothers, saying that the younger brother was stupid and the older brother was excellent. After saying this so many times, the younger brother had resentment in his heart and hated his older brother. He was gloomy throughout his childhood and had no happiness at all, because all the good things belonged to the older brother, and his were all the leftovers picked up by the older brother. Later, his father died, and the younger brother immediately separated from his brother, and the two no longer interacted. After that , the older brother entered the officialdom, like a fish in water, and became rich and powerful, while the younger brother became a mediocre merchant, living a hard life.

Twenty years later, the elder brother made a wrong step in his career, was stripped of his official position, and was sent back to his hometown. After years of hard work, the younger brother also had his own business and considerable assets. The elder brother had nowhere to go, so he came to live with his younger brother.

The brothers met again after decades. The younger brother was well-dressed and had a rosy face, while the older brother was ragged, looked pale and thin, and was seriously ill.

Yi Mo stopped talking here and asked Shen Qingxuan: “What do you think will happen to their brothers?"

Shen Qingxuan thought for a moment and smiled, “The younger brother naturally accepted his elder brother, gave him good food and clothing, cured his illness, and truly began a brotherly relationship."

Yi Mo nodded: “That’s right."

“If I were your brother, I would do the same." Shen Qingxuan said, “What could be more satisfying than seeing someone who was once unattainable crawling at your feet and accepting your charity?"

Yi Mo looked at him after hearing this, thought about it, and then said, “That’s not the case."

“What is that?"

“You are still a little short of the mark after all." Yi Mo said slowly, “Although there is a gap between them, they are brothers after all, connected by blood. So the younger brother accepted the older brother and treated him well, not entirely out of revenge. But when the younger brother saw his brother’s miserable appearance, the first thing he thought of was himself. He had also been humble and discriminated against, and he knew how hard it was. After many years, the two brothers met, and at that moment, it was not a relationship of giving and taking. Instead, they were finally equal, and could put aside all external interference and regain their brotherhood."

Yi Mo said, “Shen Qingxuan, you harmed Shen Zhen because you knew you were the victim and Shen Zhen was the beneficiary of the whole incident. You didn’t let him go, which was reasonable and you don’t need to feel guilty. Later, you saved him and cherished him because you eventually let him survive and experience the pain you suffered. You are even in the end, and there is no need to feel guilty."

Yi Mo said: “Am I right?"

Shen Qingxuan was speechless.

After an unknown amount of time, he nodded and sighed, “That’s right." After a slight pause, he continued, “In fact, Shen Zhen never asked me why I hated him before. Maybe he vaguely guessed something, but he just didn’t dare to say it… This is the same as mine."

Shen Qingxuan thought, after all, they are brothers. Even if he didn’t know the location, he knew that once this matter was exposed, the consequences might be unpredictable.

They couldn’t say it, couldn’t ask. Because the Shen family was where they grew up, no matter how many bad things there were, they couldn’t outweigh the good things that made them miss it.

No one has the heart to actually destroy this family.

Therefore, those bad things can only be hidden and suppressed. Time will pass, and finally it will rot into a rotten thorn in the flesh. Maybe there will be some opportunity to pull out this rotten thorn , turn it into dust, and let the wound grow buds again to heal it.

Shen Qingxuan pushed his chair over, took Yi Mo’s hand, and said nothing, just holding it quietly.

Fingers interlocked, silent and still.

It seems like we are holding each other like this, and will walk to the end of time.

The sun was shining outside, shining on the unmelted snow, making it dazzling.

Shen Qingxuan said: “How lucky I am."

Then he said no more.

Even before he finished speaking, Yi Mo knew.

The sentence is – How lucky I am to meet you.

Perhaps it was because the sunshine was too bright, Yi Mo let him hold his hand and look at the scenery outside the window side by side, never pulling away.