痕書站

　　入冬時分，柳延病了。
　　有病人住客棧也不方便，遊玩的行程也暫時停下，馬車在南歌城。沈玨在城裡買下一座小宅院，一家三口人住了進去。
　　柳延病得不嚴重，只是低熱。沈玨找了好些個郎中，都看不出什麼問題，只說兩服藥下去就好了，如今已經病了七八天，湯湯水水沈玨也熬了不少，可柳延的低熱始終未退。
　　既然普通湯藥不濟事，沈玨收拾了一下包袱，準備出一趟遠門，去尋些不普通的藥物來。
　　已經入了冬，他一拉開門，寒風就打著旋地吹進了屋，沈玨眯上眼走出去，反身掩門，身後走來腳步聲，正是伊墨。
　　伊墨見他背著包袱，便知道他要做什麼去，道：“別去了。”
　　“不去哪行，”沈玨道：“低熱持續這些天了，再不想法子多傷身。”
　　伊墨搖了搖頭，似歎了一聲：“他向來心思重，心病哪裡是藥物能醫得好的。”
　　“就因為季樂平？”沈玨愣了一下，隨即露出三分惱意，恨聲道：“當年我就不該送他那粒藥丸，早讓他死了也省得今日不肖！”
　　沈玨懊惱至極，言辭也激烈起來，全然失了往日風度。這世上，能叫他失了風度的人不多，唯親人而已。
　　其實，硬要拉扯上關係，死皮賴臉的攀算，季樂平也算他的親人。
　　不過這親戚關係，有點說不清。或者可以說，季樂平該喚沈玨一聲哥哥。
　　
　　季樂平，季玖長子。幼年時或許讀書太多，看起來有些癡傻，季玖常年不在家，難得回家一趟，望見自己兒子成了個書呆，滿腹儒酸氣，雖沒說過什麼，其實還是失望的。想他自己是戎馬一生的將軍，沙場點兵，日夜聽的都是刀戈之聲，雖有嚴令，不准兒子習武，卻也沒想讓他成個書呆。而且是書呆裡的最下品——一張嘴，全是腐酸氣，毫無自己主見。
　　季玖一生都活得清醒透徹，無主見的人，是他最不屑交往的，偏偏這人是自己兒子。
　　所以每回見到自己兒子，季玖都感到有絲無奈。
　　而季樂平卻覺得父親看自己的目光，有一種讓人毛骨悚然的冰涼，讓他心生畏懼。其實季玖也沒有任何待他不好之處，不過是因為父子長期疏遠，加上經年累月在軍營，又身居高位，言行舉止自然流露出一種駭人的氣勢。哪裡是小小季樂平能夠受得住的。
　　他受不住便畏縮起來，小的時候又瘦，瑟縮的模樣看起來真像個灰溜溜的小耗子。
　　每次季玖看到那只灰溜溜的小耗子，也不知是好氣還是好笑，還是心疼。
　　
　　季樂平長大後，不再像小耗子，高高瘦瘦，眉眼裡的呆滯卻讓他看起來像個木訥的竹竿。
　　後來季玖寫的最後一封家書裡，還著重提到這個長子，命令夫人將兒子交給沈玨，入軍三年，洗滌洗滌那一身的酸腐。
　　季玖戰死沙場，馬革裹屍，沈玨回朝後真的帶了季樂平，扔進了軍營裡，從兵卒開始訓練——沈玨沒有故意為難的意思，只是看不過眼。無論是第一世孱弱的沈清軒還是第二世彪炳史冊的季玖，在沈玨眼裡，他爹都是頂天立地的大丈夫。甚至連伊墨在沈玨心裡，都未必有阿爹偉岸。而那樣的人，偏偏生了這樣一個兒子，或許世上事，果真物極必反。
　　於是對季樂平，沈玨就更加盡心竭力。
　　不到一年，倒也真的將“弟弟”季樂平身上的酸腐氣沖淡了不少。
　　或許是太急於求成，第二年秋天，漳州城有盜匪作亂，當地太守上書朝廷請求緝拿匪徒。沈玨握著兵權，這事自然就歸到他頭上，他點了一名將軍，帶兵三千去剿匪，把季樂平也帶上了。而沈玨自己，則沒有親自去。
　　往日裡季樂平都是校場比武，營地練兵，何時真正上過戰場殺過人，這一次跟著去了，作為馬前卒，他第一次見到了戰場，見到了死人和殘缺的肢體。原先就是個書呆子，好不容易洗掉了一些腦子裡的蠹蟲，這一回刺激過重，他大病一場，囈語不斷，半月過後醒來失心瘋了。
　　沈玨聞信趕去看他，病的著實可憐，一直高熱不退，即使偶爾清醒，也是徹底的失心瘋症狀。沈玨只好四處尋藥，所尋之藥也是非同尋常，不僅把人救了回來，還能讓季樂平延年益壽。
　　所以，柳延遇到季樂平時，季樂平已經高夀九十了。
　　
　　自從那次死裡逃生之後，季樂平像變了個人似地，徹底不讀書，也離開軍營，甚至母親和自己兒女都不管的離家出走了。
　　這一次在南歌城遇見，是因為民間傳言，城裡的積善堂來了一名神醫，醫術高超，像個活菩薩。
　　柳延一家三人沿街閒逛，聽眾人誇口，便去湊了熱鬧，本想看看是什麼活菩薩。結果，卻是白髮蒼蒼一身布衣的季樂平。
　　如果說，幾十年沒見，他不能一眼肯定柳延是自己爹爹的話，那麼站在柳延身邊替他擋開人流的沈玨，他是一眼認出來了。
　　認出沈玨，再看一眼年輕的柳延，季樂平便知道，天底下不會有這麼巧的事，一死一消失的兩人同時出現，只是兩個長相相似的人而已。
　　幸而癡長幾十歲，不曾當場失態大喊見鬼，但季樂平還是唬了一跳。
　　
　　既然被認出了，柳延看著前世的兒子，也不想規避，便去了茶樓。
　　在茶樓裡，前世的父子倆卻發生的爭吵。季樂平曾經是書呆，卻不傻，往年朝堂裡流言蜚語，關於沈玨與皇帝之間的的事他是知道一二的。甚至，連父親季玖，似乎與一個男子有曖昧的事，他都從母親的無心之言裡略有知曉。
　　而今沈玨喚柳延爹爹，卻喚另一個男人父親，季樂平動動腦子，便懂得，自己的父親，有龍陽之癖！
　　他前塵往事都不知，只咬定了一個龍陽之癖，就發了怒，仿佛龍陽斷袖之癖，如何禍害了他一般。
　　季樂平指著柳延罵：“無恥，齷齪！”
　　柳延扇了一個耳光過去，什麼沒說，甩袖走了。伊墨跟著他離開，留下沈玨，道一句：“我一直都拿你當人了。”
　　說著便追上父親腳步，也走了。
　　一場父子相聚，不歡而散，回來後，柳延就病了。
　　也不是大病，就是低燒不退，甚至不妨礙他四處走動，看起來這場病對他沒有任何影響，只是體溫比尋常人高。
　　伊墨說的沒錯，他就是心太重。心裡的事積壓太多，負荷不住，借著身體的疾病紓解而已。
　　靈丹妙藥也醫治不了心疾，沈玨只好打消了去采藥的念頭。
　　
　　晚間，柳延在屋子裡看書，沈玨端了飯菜進屋，又捧了藥碗。柳延聞著那味道就皺眉，無奈的苦笑：“喝了這幾天也沒見好，索性別管了吧。”
　　“不成。”沈玨把黑壓壓的一碗藥汁遞過去，嚴肅道：“必須喝。”
　　柳延接過藥汁，不知想到什麼，看他許久，才低聲喃喃一句：“我只要你這一個兒子。”說完便灌下了湯藥，皺著眉頭吃伊墨遞來的水果。
　　他聲音雖輕，在場兩人都聽見了，沈玨雖沒有當過爹，卻也知道，對季樂平，柳延是疼愛的，如今卻說出這樣的話，也不知一句輕飄飄的話裡，暗藏了多少心灰意冷。伊墨在旁笑了一聲，望著沈玨道：“我也只要你這一個兒子。”說著又轉頭向柳延道：“你不給我生兒子，咱們就養著這一個吧。”
　　柳延耳根瞬間紅了起來，瞥他一眼，當著沈玨的面沒有發作。
　　氣氛一下子鬆弛下來，那些暗暗浮動的心傷也都消弭無蹤，沈玨呵呵笑著裝作沒聽見最後一句，安然自得的坐在凳子上盛飯，他知道，柳延也知道，其實伊墨是不善言辭的，連安慰人都不太擅長，他故意說這樣的話，只是轉移氣氛，不想讓柳延繼續難過。
　　以自己的方式來解決問題，也是伊墨溫柔的方式。
　　
　　用完飯，沈玨試了試柳延額頭，還是熱著，雖不厲害，卻也沒退下去。看來今天的湯藥又是無用，歎了口氣，沈玨道：“爹，哪有那麼多煩心事，便是有了，你同我們說說，說出來也好過些。什麼事都壓在心裡，哪能好得起來？”
　　柳延捧著書，似乎沒聽見。沈玨只好收拾碗碟，不再說什麼。
　　碗碟收拾好，準備端走了，才聽柳延低聲道了一句：“我老了。”
　　“嗯？”不僅沈玨意外，連伊墨都意外的看著他，怎麼都沒想到會突然聽見這樣一句話。
　　柳延坐在椅子上，放下書，打量著自己的手，看了片刻，道：“不過是皮囊年輕的很，我……老了。”
　　柳延說，老了。
　　確實是老了。
　　他不過是個尋常人，卻有了三世記憶，記得所有變遷的人與事，記得身邊流走的光陰。身體還是年輕著，青春年少，正是大好時光。軀殼裡卻有了一顆蒼老而佈滿皺褶的心，紋路密佈，如一棵老樹的年輪。記錄了許許多多跌宕起伏。
　　太多的記憶與往事，流走的時間與嶄新的空間，將他磋磨成了老人。
　　連親生的孩子，曾經尊稱自己父親的孩子，都可以反目成仇地辱駡自己。
　　這個世界，對他不再新鮮。
　　一切都是時間的作用。
　　柳延側過臉，望著身旁兩人，緩緩道：“我真的老了。”
　　隨著這句話落音，他的眼底陡然湧出許許多多疲倦與哀傷，仿佛一瞬間，眼旁蔓延出許許多多皺紋，老態龍鍾。
　　他身旁的父子二人不約而同地眨了一下眼，這才看清，他臉上什麼都沒有，沒有皺紋，沒有蒼老，皮膚光潔，泛著白潤的光。
　　一切不過是幻覺。
　　然而他們第一次意識到，找回這個人三世記憶，真的讓他無聲無息的蒼老了。
　　這麼久，他卻從未說過。
　　
　　“所以，”柳延的視線停留在伊墨臉上，啞聲道：“你究竟瞞了我什麼？能不能告訴我。”
　　“伊墨，我真的老了。”
　　“經不起折騰了。”
　　“你告訴我吧。”
　　最後一聲，接近哀求。
　　
　　這是年輕時的他，從不會用的語氣。便是求人，他也一貫是暗藏驕傲的。
　　而今，他老的，連驕傲都支撐不起來了，只餘一句——
　　我經不起折騰了。

——————————————————

At the beginning of winter, Liu Yan fell ill.

It was inconvenient for the patient to stay in the inn, so the tour was temporarily stopped and the carriage was in Nange City. Shen Jue bought a small house in the city and moved in with his family of three.

Liu Yan’s illness was not serious, he just had a low fever. Shen Jue consulted many doctors, but none of them could see what was wrong with him. They just said that he would be fine after taking two doses of medicine. Now he has been sick for seven or eight days, and Shen Jue has boiled a lot of soup and water, but Liu Yan’s low fever has not subsided.

Since ordinary medicines were of no use, Shen Jue packed his bag and prepared to go on a long journey to find some unusual medicines.

It was already winter. As soon as he opened the door, the cold wind swirled into the house. Shen Jue squinted his eyes and walked out, turning back to close the door. He heard footsteps behind him. It was Yi Mo.

When Yi Mo saw him carrying a bag, he knew what he was going to do and said, “Don’t go."

“I have no choice but to go," Shen Jue said, “The low fever has lasted for these days. If I don’t think of a way out, it will hurt my body."

Yi Mo shook his head and sighed , “He has always been worried. How can medicine cure his mental illness ? “

“Just because of Ji Leping?" Shen Jue was stunned for a moment, then showed some annoyance, and said hatefully: “I shouldn’t have given him that pill back then. I should have let him die earlier and saved him from such an unworthy fate today!"

Shen Jue was extremely upset and his words became fierce, completely losing his usual composure. In this world, there were not many people who could make him lose his composure, only his family members.

In fact, if you really want to establish a relationship with him, Ji Leping can be considered his relative.

But this relationship is a little bit unclear. Or it can be said that Ji Leping should call Shen Jue brother.

Ji Leping, the eldest son of Ji Jiu. Perhaps he read too much when he was young, so he looked a little stupid. Ji Jiu was away from home all year round. When he went home rarely, he saw that his son had become a bookworm, full of Confucianism and sourness. Although he didn’t say anything, he was actually disappointed. He thought that he was a general who had spent his whole life in the military, inspecting soldiers on the battlefield, and heard the sound of swords and spears day and night. Although he had a strict order not to allow his son to practice martial arts, he didn’t want him to become a bookworm. Moreover, he was the lowest of the bookworms – he was full of pedantry and sourness when he opened his mouth , and had no opinions of his own.

Ji Jiu lived a clear and thorough life. He disdained to associate with people without their own opinions, and this person happened to be his own son.

So every time he saw his son, Ji Jiu felt a little helpless.

But Ji Leping felt that his father’s gaze on him was chilling and frightening. In fact, Ji Jiu had not treated him badly, but because of the long-term estrangement between father and son, plus the fact that he had been in the military camp for many years and held a high position, his words and deeds naturally revealed a terrifying momentum. Little Ji Leping could not bear it.

He couldn’t bear it and started to shrink back. When he was young, he was very thin, and when he shrank back, he looked like a gray little mouse.

Every time Ji Jiu saw the gray little mouse, he didn’t know whether he was angry, amused, or heartbroken.

When Ji Leping grew up, he no longer looked like a little mouse. He was tall and thin, but the dullness in his eyes made him look like a dull bamboo pole.

Later, in the last letter Ji Jiu wrote to his family, he also emphasized this eldest son and ordered his wife to hand her son over to Shen Jue to join the army for three years to wash away his pedantry.

Ji Jiu died on the battlefield, wrapped in horsehide. After Shen Jue returned to the court, he really took Ji Leping with him, threw him into the military camp, and started training him as a soldier – Shen Jue did not mean to make things difficult for him, he just couldn’t stand it. Whether it was the weak Shen Qingxuan in the first life or the famous Ji Jiu in the second life , in Shen Jue’s eyes, his father was a man of integrity. Even Yi Mo may not be as great as his father in Shen Jue’s heart. And such a person happened to give birth to such a son. Perhaps things in the world are really bound to turn around when they reach the extreme.

Therefore, Shen Jue devoted himself even more to Ji Leping.

" brother" Ji Leping was indeed diluted a lot.

Perhaps because he was too eager to achieve success, in the autumn of the following year, bandits were rioting in Zhangzhou City, and the local governor wrote to the court to request the arrest of the bandits. Shen Jue held military power, so the matter naturally fell to him. He appointed a general to lead 3,000 soldiers to suppress the bandits, and took Ji Leping with him. However, Shen Jue himself did not go in person.

In the past, Ji Leping had participated in military competitions and military training in the camp. He had never been to the battlefield to kill people. This time, as a vanguard, he saw the battlefield for the first time, and saw dead bodies and mutilated limbs. He was originally a nerd, and he had finally washed away some of the worms in his brain. This time, the stimulation was too great, and he fell seriously ill, talking incoherently, and woke up half a month later and became insane .

Upon hearing the news, Shen Jue rushed to see him. He was really ill, with a high fever that wouldn’t go away. Even when he was awake occasionally, he was completely insane . Shen Jue had no choice but to look for medicine everywhere. The medicine he found was also extraordinary. It not only saved the man, but also allowed Ji Leping to live longer.

So, when Liu Yan met Ji Leping , Ji Leping was already ninety years old.

Since escaping death that time, Ji Leping seemed like a different person. He stopped studying, left the military camp, and even ran away from home, leaving his mother and children behind.

This time we met in Nan Ge City because there was a folk rumor that a miracle doctor had come to the Jishan Hall in the city with superb medical skills, like a living Bodhisattva.

Liu Yan’s family of three were strolling along the street, and when they heard people bragging, they went to join in the fun, hoping to see who the living Buddha was. But it turned out to be Ji Leping, a white-haired man in plain clothes.

If he couldn’t be sure at first sight that Liu Yan was his father after not seeing him for decades, then he recognized Shen Jue at first sight when he was standing next to Liu Yan and blocking the crowd for him.

After recognizing Shen Jue and taking another look at the young Liu Yan, Ji Leping knew that there would be no such coincidence in the world. Two people, one dead and one disappeared, would appear at the same time. They were just two people who looked similar.

Fortunately, he was several decades older than me and did not lose his composure and shout “I saw a ghost" on the spot, but Ji Leping was still frightened.

Since he was recognized, Liu Yan looked at his son from his previous life and didn’t want to avoid it, so he went to the teahouse.

In the teahouse, the father and son in the previous life had a quarrel. Ji Leping used to be a nerd, but he was not stupid. He knew a thing or two about the rumors in the court in previous years about the relationship between Shen Jue and the emperor . He even knew a little about his father Ji Jiu, who seemed to have an ambiguous relationship with a man, from his mother’s unintentional words .

Now Shen Jue calls Liu Yan daddy, but calls another man father. Ji Leping uses his brain and realizes that his father has a homosexual fetish!

He was unaware of his past, and was only determined to have Long Yang’s homosexuality, and he became angry, as if Long Yang’s homosexuality had harmed him.

Ji Leping pointed at Liu Yan and cursed: “Shameless, filthy!"

Liu Yan slapped him in the face, said nothing, and left. Yi Mo followed him and left Shen Jue , saying, “I have always treated you as a human being."

As he said this, he caught up with his father and walked away.

The father and son reunited but ended unhappily, and after returning, Liu Yan fell ill.

It wasn’t a serious illness, just a low-grade fever that wouldn’t even stop him from moving around. It seemed like the illness had no effect on him, except that his body temperature was higher than that of ordinary people.

What Yi Mo said was right, he was just too worried. There were too many things piled up in his heart, and he couldn’t bear it, so he used the physical illness to relieve it.

No panacea could cure his heart disease, so Shen Jue had to give up the idea of going to collect herbs.

In the evening, Liu Yan was reading in the room, Shen Jue brought food into the room, and also brought a bowl of medicine. Liu Yan frowned when he smelled the smell, and smiled helplessly: “I haven’t seen any improvement after drinking it for a few days, so I might as well leave it alone."

“No." Shen Jue handed over the dark bowl of medicine and said seriously, “You must drink it."

Liu Yan took the medicine, not knowing what he was thinking about. He looked at him for a long time before muttering in a low voice, “I only want you as my son." After that, he drank the medicine and ate the fruit handed to him by Yi Mo with a frown.

Although his voice was light, both people present heard it. Although Shen Jue had never been a father, he knew that Liu Yan loved Ji Leping. Now that he said such words, I don’t know how much disappointment was hidden in such a light-hearted words. Yi Mo laughed and looked at Shen Jue and said, “I only want this one son of yours." Then he turned to Liu Yan and said, “If you don’t give me a son, we can raise this one."

Liu Yan’s ears instantly turned red. He glanced at him but did not lose his temper in front of Shen Jue.

The atmosphere relaxed at once, and all the hidden pain in the heart disappeared without a trace. Shen Jue laughed and pretended not to have heard the last sentence, sitting contentedly on the stool and serving his meal. He knew, and Liu Yan knew too, that Yi Mo was not good at speaking, and was not even good at comforting people. He said such words deliberately just to change the atmosphere, and did not want Liu Yan to continue to be sad.

Solving problems in one’s own way is also Yi Mo’s gentle way.

After dinner, Shen Jue felt Liu Yan’s forehead and found it was still hot. Although it was not severe, it did not go away. It seemed that today’s medicine was useless. Shen Jue sighed and said, “Dad, there are not so many worries. Even if there are, you can tell us. It will be better if you talk about it. How can you get better if you keep everything in your heart?"

Liu Yan was holding a book, seemingly not hearing anything. Shen Jue had no choice but to clean up the dishes and said nothing more.

After the dishes were cleared and ready to be taken away, Liu Yan whispered, “I’m old."

“Huh?" Not only Shen Jue was surprised, but even Yi Mo looked at him in surprise. They never expected to suddenly hear such words.

Liu Yan sat on the chair, put down the book, looked at his hands for a moment, and said: “It’s just that the skin is young, I… am old."

Liu Yan said, I’m old.

It’s true that I’m old.

He is just an ordinary man, but he has the memory of three lives. He remembers all the people and things that have changed, and the time that has passed by him. His body is still young , and he is still young, which is a good time. But inside his body is an old and wrinkled heart, with dense lines, like the annual rings of an old tree. It records many ups and downs.

Too many memories and past events, the passing of time and the new space have worn him down into an old man.

Even his own children, who once respectfully called him father, could turn against him and insult him.

This world is no longer new to him.

It’s all a matter of time.

Liu Yan turned his head, looked at the two people beside him, and said slowly: “I am really old."

As he finished speaking, fatigue and sadness suddenly welled up in his eyes. In an instant, wrinkles appeared around his eyes, and he looked very old.

The father and son beside him blinked at the same time, and then they could see clearly that there was nothing on his face, no wrinkles, no aging, his skin was smooth and glowing with a white and moist glow.

It’s all just an illusion.

However, they realized for the first time that recovering this man’s three lifetimes ‘ memories really made him age silently.

For so long, he never said it.

“So," Liu Yan’s eyes stayed on Yi Mo’s face, and he said in a hoarse voice: “What exactly did you hide from me? Can you tell me?"

“Yi Mo, I’m really old."

“I can’t stand the toss anymore."

“Tell me."

The last sound was close to a plea.

This was a tone he would never use when he was young. Even when asking for help, he was always secretly proud.

Now, he is so old that he can no longer support his pride. All he has left is:

I can’t stand it anymore.