痕書站

　　季玖醒來，帷帳落著的，枕畔妻子容顏依舊，閉目安睡。他眨了眨眼，以為不過是噩夢一場，心裡略松一口氣，就要起床。剛一略動，身後傳來劇痛，他的臉驟然白下去，血色盡失。
　　環顧了一下四周，仿佛一夜間物是人非。倉皇地起了身，季玖逃離般走開，在書房裡叫人抬了熱水和皂莢，瘋了般洗刷自己，捏著白巾的手使得力越來越大，仿佛要將被碰觸過的每一寸都剜掉一樣兇狠。可即使都搓掉了皮，滲出了血珠，那種窮途末路被羞辱的感覺終是揮散不去，刻骨銘心。
　　甚至能在此時回想起對方的每一個動作，每一個姿勢，以及行至巔峰時，那人咬在他耳畔，低聲念出的那一句：我想你了。
　　——我想你了。季玖此時驚怒交加，根本無從體會這四個字背後，那尋覓百年的輾轉掙扎，日復一日踏在尋找途中靈魂骨血的抵死糾結。明知不該來，還是來了，明知不該找，還是找了。明知會失望，還是抱有希望了。
　　他這一世是季玖，飲了孟婆湯，踏了奈何橋，重歸輪回，再無沈清軒。
　　便是再想的清楚，看的明白，伊墨在那個音容笑貌一模一樣的季玖面前，望著他與另一女子纏綿，心生酸苦。他想過很多回再次重逢的場景，想像了無數種可能的境況，怎麼也沒料到，他會握著劍，劍鋒直抵自己心頭。
　　明明沒有刺上，卻還是疼痛難當。
　　知道不該來尋的，他還是尋了。知道不該這樣在沈清軒的嶄新人生前落下這一筆，伊墨卻知道，已經來不及了。
　　事情，他已經做了。
　　隱去形貌站在屏風旁看著那人坐在浴桶裡，咬著牙搓著身上皮肉，搓的鮮血淋漓時，伊墨閉上了眼。他想他了。在分離一百多年後，在重逢時一模一樣的臉上，他還是想念那個在冬天裡將他捂在心口上的人。可是，那人已經不在了。
　　
　　房門被推開了，匠師親自選料繪圖，打磨木板仔細鑲嵌的門無聲無息的敞開，陽光從外面灑落進來，季玖隔著屏風，厲喝一聲，“誰？！”
　　屋外的女子被唬住了，聲音都帶了些忐忑，小心翼翼道：“夫君？”
　　季玖在屏風後沒有一點聲音，屋外女子也不敢進來，夫妻這麼些年，她還是頭一次遇到這樣的情景。
　　過了一會，季玖的聲音才重新響起，恢復了只有對她時方有的柔和，道：“我有些倦了，你去給我熬碗湯來。”
　　女子心知他要支開自己，必定是心緒敗壞，也不為難他，應了聲：“昨日燉得雞湯還有些，我再加些藥材，一會給你端來。”說著重新關上門，匆匆離去。
　　
　　季玖仍在浴桶裡，身上已是一片紫紅，能搓得到的地方他都用力擦洗過，破皮之後的血肉浸在熱水裡更是刺痛，每一個毛孔都沉浸在火辣辣的痛感裡。他卻仿佛絲毫不覺，眼底閃爍著憤怒的火焰，在自己身上狠狠擦洗。
　　若是能洗的掉前一夜的屈辱，既是剝皮剔骨他也願意。可他亦明白，這是洗不掉的。那人在他身體裡出入過，進了他根本沒想到的地方，把他當個女人一樣使用。
　　思及於此，他的整個身體都在顫抖起來，胸口劇烈起伏著，恨意是他這年從未經歷過的事，就是沙場對陣，對敵方將領也只是敵意而已。
　　他此刻卻學會了仇恨。
　　
　　猛地起身，季玖抓過衣物套上，看著鏡中那人蒼白的臉，仔細束髮。他戴了高冠，一根血玉紅簪穿在冠上。他往日裡簡單慣了，今日遭此劫難，愈是不想讓人看出他的神情頽萎。卻不知他身後有一人，一直在靜靜看著，看著他在桶裡洗涮時的憤恨，看著他強撐著不讓自己露出一絲被擊倒過的行跡，這樣的性子，宛若那世的沈清軒。從不低頭，更不折腰。除了對他。
　　季玖出了門，坐了一頂軟轎，轎夫抬著他一路向北，出了北門城門，直奔林間大道，伊墨知道，在那大道中腰，有一小路，小路直通山道，山道盡頭，是久負盛名的一座廟宇。顯光寺。
　　他這是要除妖了。
　　
　　伊墨沒有再跟上，而是回了季玖書房，坐在他常坐的那張椅上，望著案牘。幾份公文，一些不曾寫過一字的白紙，還有些收攏在邊角處的卷軸。
　　伊墨展開來看，是季玖無事時做的畫。筆鋒淩厲，畫風孤傲。高山異石，竹節森森，不再有絲毫旖旎柔調，與前世喜作的荷塘月色，桃花千里截然不同。落款一個“玖”字，再無其他。
　　玖，墨玉也。伊墨的指腹在那落款處輕輕摩挲，宛若愛撫戀人臉頰。觸手，仍是涼。
　　伊墨想，你終是要除我了。
　　可這天下，還輪不到你翻雲覆雨。
　　前世儒生，今生儒將，也不過是這浩渺天地間的一粒小小塵埃。除他的人，怎麼也輪不上他。他是伊墨，不是狐女，便是死，也要自己心甘情願才行，被人亂棍打死，那不會是他的結局。
　　伊墨收回手，施法將那卷軸恢復原狀，現了身形，坐在椅上，安然等待。等著看那人如何失望與不甘。就像自己一樣。
　　
　　季玖匆匆而去，又匆匆趕回，帶著滿身不適，與一僧人同歸而來。夫人聞訊趕到門口，見了和尚愣了一下，問季玖：“家中要做法事？”
　　季玖笑了一下，早已準備好的說辭迎面而上，道：“我常年征戰，曾有一道人說我身上殺氣太重，易招邪風。既是難得歸家一趟，找個法師來家中護佑，也無甚不妥。你去屋中歇著，待法事完了我再叫你。”
　　夫人聽著，也覺得無甚不妥，況且昨夜不知為何突然睡去，醒來夫君性情暴戾，又古怪的在白天沐浴，合該有事。現在請了法師來，想必真招了風邪。連忙囑咐了兩句，退到一邊。季玖見她往臥房而去，連忙喚住，道：“那屋子也需要清理一番，你帶著丫頭僕人們去偏廳候著。”
　　
　　家眷下人都離開了，季玖站在庭院中，望著昨夜那間房屋，一旁僧人也隨同看著，看了片刻，歎了口氣道：“出家人不打誑語，施主這次怕是白請了貧僧這一回。”
　　季玖轉過臉來，清雋的面容在陽光下，是泛著青白的，壓低了音量，他仍是不信：“你制不住他？”
　　“施主看不見，那妖氣裡透著金色，是要成仙的妖，想來已經修煉千年或者更久。小僧縱是有些法力，又如何降得住他？況且他即將升仙，功德基厚，不可能為禍人間，貧僧怎麼能去降他？”
　　“妄言！”季玖否了他不曾為禍人間的說法，道：“我現被他逼迫，如何不是禍害？”
　　那僧人仔細打量他一番，將他從頭看到腳，雖猜不出這妖如何逼迫他，卻也覺得事出有因，想了想道：“施主生下來時，可帶了些物什？”
　　“物什？”季玖皺起眉想了想，“不曾有。”
　　“那印記可有？”僧人又問。
　　季玖腦中卻閃過腕上那蛇吻之印，心中跳了一下，撒了謊：“不曾有。”
　　“如此便蹊蹺了。若是施主前世與他有糾葛，今生尋來的事也是有的。不若貧僧去問問罷，若真是事出有因，貧僧也可居中調和，施主看如何？”
　　“他又不曾在。”季玖說：“你如何問他。”
　　“他在，”僧人伸手，食指朝前，指著那臥房西邊的書房道：“在那裡，那裡妖氣正濃，否則小僧也看不出來。”
　　季玖明知道不該露出任何痕跡，卻還是不由自主的，往後退了一步。驚懼之色掩也掩不住。
　　放在尋常，他是什麼都不怕的。
　　妖也好魔也罷，若真是有，不過一死！他是軍營中歷練過的人，自小有父親一手指教，上陣殺敵也無數回，死屍斷肢見到的可堆成一座山。
　　他早就知道，死亡是他的宿命。為國捐軀，馬革裹屍方還家，是兒郎榮耀，何懼之有！
　　只是他面對的，卻不是死亡。而是比死亡更可怖的羞辱。他無一絲可反抗的力量，沒有任何翻盤的機會。只因對方不是人。
　　
　　他怕的不是妖，而是他面對妖物時的無能為力。他憤恨這種無能為力，這種明知不可抵抗卻又無法順服的掙扎徒勞無功，最是摧殘人心。
　　季玖站住身子，在長久的沉默後，低聲道：“大師一路奔波也累了，我著人安頓客房，大師先在此歇息，我們再從長計議，如何？”
　　僧人疑惑的道：“不用小僧上前詢問？”
　　“他既在書房，想必也是候著的，等我去。”季玖咬了咬牙，道：“我親自問詢，待有了結果再與大師商議。只是還請法師不要將這件事告訴旁人，家中妻兒性子軟弱，受不得驚嚇。”
　　僧人應下了，季玖喚了僕人，帶他自離去。
　　
　　而季玖自己，則在陽光下站著，站在庭院裡，久久望著那門戶緊閉的書房，有一把火將它燃個乾乾淨淨的念頭。燒了他！毀了他！讓昨夜那一切隨著一把火而焚毀，終生不再想起。
　　偏偏屋內是個妖。他縱有千萬手段也無法對這樣一個道行高深的妖怪使出來，昨夜那一場武力較量，高低立現。
　　他甚至沒有與他對立的資格。
　　季玖縱是想將他挫骨揚灰，也辦不到。
　　可他著實，想將屋內那人，挫骨揚灰，才能泄其恨！
　　
　　季玖在屋外站著，直到那緊閉的房門，像是等得不耐煩一樣，自己敞開了。暗喻之意不言自明，季玖的手握成了拳，雖緩慢著，卻沒有遲疑的走了過去。逐漸靠近那黑暗門扉。
　　季玖想，就算萬劫不復，也要弄個明白。
　　只是這個想法很快就被摧毀了，屋內那人並不在廳中，而是隔著屏風，斜倚著他的木塌，一手支著額望著他，那眼睛既深且寒，如萬丈深淵，是泛著嗜人之意的。
　　看著那雙眼睛，季玖腦中浮現的，便是前夜被壓在身下的絕望場景。想起那僧人的話，心灰了大半。
　　季玖說：“我降不住你。”
　　季玖說：“不管是不是你我前世有淵源，今生我不曾招惹過你，你放了我，如何？”
　　季玖低下頭，苦笑了一聲：“我求你，如何？”
　　
　　他的頭低下了，不曾看到榻上男人的眼睛，連那眼底泛起的哀傷一併不曾看到。
　　季玖只在短暫的寂靜之後，聽那人的聲音響起，問：“如何求？”
　　季玖心中一沉，躊躇片刻，終是狠了心，雙膝一屈，異常生硬的跪下了。
　　季玖說：“求你放我過我。”
　　季玖說：“恩德銘記於心，日後替你立牌，日夜焚香供養。”
　　季玖說：“求你放我一馬。”
　　他說，一邊說，一邊叩首。
　　額頭擊在冰冷地面上，悶悶的響，季玖聽著，數著，一個，兩個，三個，四個……數得越來越多，數字越來越重，數到最後逐漸茫然，只是機械的叩首，磕頭，一個又一個。將那些尊嚴屈辱都縮起來，縮成了小小的一塊，最終心頭一片空白。
　　
　　伊墨聽著，看著，那磕頭聲聲聲鈍重，一下又一下，砸在他心口，像是還嫌他不夠疼，悶響聲中逐漸伴著血花濺起，那人已經血流滿臉。
　　一如他胸腔裡鮮血淋漓的那顆心。
　　伊墨起身，走到他身邊。季玖仍是跪著，卻停下了叩首。
　　伊墨什麼都沒說，擦著他繃緊的身軀，離開了。

————————————————

Ji Jiu woke up, the curtains were closed, and his wife was sleeping peacefully beside him with her eyes closed. He blinked, thinking it was just a nightmare, and was relieved to get up. As soon as he moved, he felt a sharp pain in his back, and his face suddenly turned pale, losing all color.

Looking around, everything seemed to have changed overnight. Ji Jiu hurriedly stood up and fled away. He asked someone to bring hot water and soap in the study, and washed himself like crazy. The hand holding the white towel became stronger and stronger, as if he wanted to cut off every inch of it . But even if the skin was rubbed off and blood oozed out, the feeling of being humiliated at the end of the road could not be dispelled, and it was unforgettable.

He could even recall every move and posture of the other person, as well as the words that person whispered in his ear when they reached the climax: I miss you.

——I miss you. Ji Jiu was shocked and angry at this moment. He had no idea that behind these four words, there was a hundred years of struggle and the struggle of his soul and blood in the search day after day. He came even though he knew he shouldn’t have come. He looked even though he knew he shouldn’t have looked. He still held on to hope even though he knew he would be disappointed.

In this life, he is Ji Jiu. He drank Meng Po soup , stepped over the Naihe Bridge, and returned to the cycle of reincarnation. There is no Shen Qingxuan anymore.

Even if he thought clearly and saw clearly, Yi Mo felt bitter when he saw Ji Jiu, who looked exactly like him, being intimate with another woman. He thought about the scene of reunion many times and imagined countless possible situations, but he never expected that he would hold a sword with the tip of the sword pointed directly at his heart.

Even though the wound wasn’t pierced, it still hurt a lot.

He knew he shouldn’t come to look for it, but he still looked for it. He knew he shouldn’t leave such a mark before Shen Qingxuan’s new life , but Yi Mo knew it was too late.

Things, he has done.

Hiding his appearance, standing by the screen and watching the man sitting in the bathtub, rubbing his skin and flesh with gritted teeth until blood dripped, Yi Mo closed his eyes. He missed him. After more than a hundred years of separation, when they met again, with the same face, he still missed the person who held him against his heart in the winter. But that person is no longer here.

The door was pushed open. The craftsman personally selected the materials and drew the drawings, and the door, which was carefully inlaid with polished wood boards, opened silently. The sunlight poured in from outside. Ji Jiu shouted across the screen, “Who?!"

The woman outside the house was frightened, her voice was a little nervous, and she asked cautiously: “Husband?"

Ji Jiu made no sound behind the screen, and the woman outside did not dare to come in. This was the first time she had encountered such a situation in all their years of marriage.

After a while, Ji Jiu’s voice sounded again, returning to the gentleness that was only there when he was talking to her, and he said, “I’m a little tired. Go make me a bowl of soup."

The woman knew that he must be in a bad mood if he wanted to get rid of her, so she didn’t make things difficult for him. She replied, “I still have some chicken soup from yesterday. I’ll add some herbs and bring it to you later." After that, she closed the door again and left in a hurry.

Ji Jiu was still in the bathtub, his body was already purple and red, he had scrubbed every spot he could reach , the flesh and blood after the skin was broken was even more painful when soaked in hot water, every pore was immersed in the burning pain. But he seemed to be unaware of it, with angry flames flashing in his eyes, scrubbing himself hard.

If it could wash away the humiliation of the previous night, he would be willing to be skinned and boned. But he also knew that this could not be washed away. That person had been in and out of his body, into places he had never expected, and used him like a woman.

Thinking of this, his whole body began to tremble, his chest heaving violently, hatred was something he had never experienced in this year, even on the battlefield, he only felt hostility towards the enemy generals.

He now learned to hate.

Ji Jiu stood up suddenly, grabbed the clothes and put them on, looked at the pale face of the man in the mirror, and tied his hair carefully. He wore a tall crown with a blood-red jade hairpin on it. He used to be simple, and today, after suffering such a disaster, he didn’t want people to see his withered expression . But he didn’t know that there was someone behind him, watching him quietly, watching his anger when he was washing in the bucket, watching him trying hard not to show any signs of being knocked down. This kind of temperament is just like Shen Qingxuan in that life . Never bow your head, let alone bend your waist. Except to him.

Ji Jiu went out and sat in a sedan chair. The sedan bearers carried him northward, out of the north gate, and headed straight for the forest road. Yi Mo knew that in the middle of the road, there was a small path that led directly to the mountain road. At the end of the mountain road was a famous temple. Xianguang Temple.

He is going to get rid of the demon.

Yi Mo did not follow him, but returned to Ji Jiu’s study, sat on the chair he often sat on , and looked at the documents. There were several official documents, some blank papers without a single word written on them, and some scrolls tucked away in the corners.

Yi Mo unfolded it and saw that it was a painting made by Ji Jiu when he had nothing to do. The brushstrokes were sharp and the painting style was aloof. There was no trace of softness and tenderness in the mountains and rocks and bamboos, which was completely different from the lotus pond moonlight and peach blossoms in the past life. The signature was “Jiu", nothing else.

Jiu means black jade. Yi Mo’s fingertips gently rubbed the signature, as if caressing a lover’s cheek. It was still cold to the touch.

Yi Mo thought, you are going to get rid of me eventually.

But it is not your turn to change the world.

A Confucian scholar in his previous life and a Confucian general in this life, he is nothing but a tiny speck of dust in this vast world. No one can get rid of him, and it will never be his turn. He is Yi Mo, not a fox girl . Even if he dies, he must be willing to do so. Being beaten to death by others will not be his end.

Yi Mo took back his hand, cast a spell to restore the scroll to its original state, and reappeared, sitting on a chair, waiting calmly. Waiting to see how disappointed and unwilling that person would be. Just like himself.

Ji Jiu left in a hurry, and then hurried back, feeling very uncomfortable, and returned with a monk. Upon hearing the news, the lady rushed to the door, was stunned when she saw the monk, and asked Ji Jiu: “Is there a ritual at home?"

Ji Jiu smiled and said what he had prepared long ago, “I have been fighting for many years. A Taoist once said that I have too much murderous aura and am prone to evil spirits. Since it is a rare opportunity to return home, it is not wrong to find a magician to protect my home. You go to the house and rest. I will call you after the ritual is over."

The lady listened and felt that there was nothing wrong. Besides, she suddenly fell asleep last night for some reason, and her husband was violent when she woke up. He also took a bath in the daytime. It was inevitable that something would happen. Now they have invited a magician, so he must have really caught the evil spirit. She quickly gave a few instructions and stepped aside. Ji Jiu saw her going to the bedroom and hurriedly called her to stop, saying, “That room also needs to be cleaned up. You take the maids and servants to the side hall and wait."

The family members and servants had all left. Ji Jiu stood in the courtyard, looking at the house from last night. A monk beside him also looked at it. After looking for a while, he sighed and said, “Monks do not lie. I’m afraid that the donor has invited me in vain this time."

Ji Jiu turned around. His face was pale in the sunlight. He lowered his voice and still didn’t believe it: “You can’t control him?"

“Donor, you can’t see it. The demon’s aura is golden. It is a demon that is about to become an immortal. I think it has been practicing for a thousand years or more. Even if I have some magic power, how can I subdue it? Besides, he is about to become an immortal. He has a lot of merits and virtues. It is impossible for him to bring harm to the world. How can I subdue him?"

“Nonsense!" Ji Jiu denied his claim that he had never brought disaster to the world, and said, “I am being forced by him now, how can I not be a disaster?"

The monk looked at him carefully, from head to toe. Although he could not guess how the demon was forcing him, he felt that there must be a reason. After thinking for a while, he asked, “When the donor was born, did he bring anything with him?"

“What?" Ji Jiu frowned and thought for a moment, “Nothing."

“Is there the mark?" the monk asked again.

Ji Jiu’s mind flashed back to the snake kiss mark on his wrist. His heart skipped a beat and he lied, “No."

“This is very strange. If you had a conflict with him in your past life, you would have encountered this in this life. Why don’t I go and ask him? If there is a reason, I can mediate. What do you think?"

“He hasn’t been there." Ji Jiu said, “How can you ask him?"

“He is there," the monk stretched out his hand, pointed his index finger forward, and pointed to the study room to the west of the bedroom. “There, the evil spirit is strong there, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see it."

Ji Jiu knew that he shouldn’t show any signs, but he still took a step back involuntarily. He couldn’t hide his fear .

Normally, he is not afraid of anything.

a demon or a devil , if it really exists, it will only die! He was a man who had been trained in the military camp. He had been taught by his father since he was a child . He had fought in the battlefield countless times and had seen a mountain of dead bodies and severed limbs.

He had long known that death was his destiny. To die for the country and return home wrapped in his horse’s hide was the glory of a man, so why should he be afraid?

But what he faced was not death. It was a humiliation that was more terrible than death. He had no power to resist and no chance of turning the tables. It was because the other party was not a human.

What he feared was not the monster, but his powerlessness in the face of the monster. He resented this powerlessness, this futile struggle that he knew was irresistible but could not submit to, which was the most devastating thing to a person’s heart.

Ji Jiu stopped and after a long silence, he whispered, “Master, you must be tired after traveling all the way. I will ask someone to arrange a guest room for you. You can rest here first and we will discuss it later. How do you think?"

The monk asked doubtfully, “Shouldn’t I go up and ask?"

“Since he is in the study, he must be waiting for me." Ji Jiu gritted his teeth and said, “I will ask in person and discuss it with the master after I get the result. But please don’t tell others about this. My wife and children at home are weak and can’t stand being frightened."

The monk agreed, and Ji Jiu called the servant to take him away.

Ji Jiu himself stood in the sun, in the courtyard, looking at the closed study for a long time, and had the idea of burning it clean with fire . Burn it! Destroy it! Let everything from last night be burned with a fire, and never think of it again for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, there was a demon in the house. Even if he had thousands of tricks, he couldn’t use them against such a powerful demon. The difference in strength was immediately apparent in the fight last night.

He wasn’t even qualified to oppose him.

Even if Ji Jiu wanted to grind him to ashes , he couldn’t do it.

But he really wanted to grind the man in the house to ashes to vent his hatred!

Ji Jiu stood outside the house until the tightly closed door opened by itself, as if it was impatient. The metaphor was self-evident. Ji Jiu clenched his fist and walked over slowly but without hesitation, gradually approaching the dark door.

Ji Jiu thought that even if there was no way out, he had to get to the bottom of it.

However, this idea was quickly destroyed. The man in the house was not in the hall. Instead, he was leaning against his wooden couch behind the screen, with one hand supporting his forehead and looking at him. His eyes were deep and cold, like a bottomless abyss, and were filled with hateful intent.

Looking at those eyes, Ji Jiu’s mind flashed back to the desperate scene of being pressed down by the man the night before. Thinking of the monk’s words, he became disheartened.

Ji Jiu said: “I can’t subdue you."

Ji Jiu said: “No matter if you and I have a connection in our past lives, I have never provoked you in this life. How about you let me go?"

Ji Jiu lowered his head and smiled bitterly: “I beg you, how about that?"

He lowered his head and did not look into the eyes of the man on the couch , not even the sadness in his eyes.

Ji Jiu only heard the man’s voice after a brief silence, asking, “How do I ask?"

Ji Jiu’s heart sank, and he hesitated for a moment. Finally, he hardened his heart, bent his knees, and knelt down very stiffly.

Ji Jiu said: “Please let me go."

Ji Jiu said: “I will remember your kindness in my heart. I will erect a memorial tablet for you and burn incense day and night to offer sacrifices to you."

Ji Jiu said: “Please let me go."

He said this while bowing his head.

His forehead hit the cold ground with a dull sound. Ji Jiu listened and counted, one, two, three, four… He counted more and more, and the numbers became heavier and heavier. At the end of the count, he gradually became confused and just kowtowed mechanically, one after another. He shrank all the dignity and humiliation into a small piece, and finally his heart was blank.

Yi Mo listened and watched as the heavy sound of the kowtows came one after another, hitting his heart, as if it was not painful enough. The muffled sound was gradually accompanied by splashes of blood, and the man’s face was already covered in blood.

Just like the bleeding heart in his chest.

Yi Mo stood up and walked to his side. Ji Jiu was still kneeling, but he stopped kowtowing.

Yi Mo said nothing, just brushed past his tense body and left.