伊墨抱了他一會,默默將兩人身上的污漬拭淨,又取過乾淨衣袍來,給季玖換上了,穿戴好,才垂下眼,不再做任何隱瞞,將所思所想說出口:
“你拉著我要抱的時候,我當你是沈清軒。”
又道:“季玖與沈清軒在我眼裡是一樣的。”
季玖聽了這話,既不難過,也無歡喜。他知道自己死了,徹徹底底從這樁事情裡死去。他不悲也不喜,心頭像是驟然破了一個大洞,有空氣在洞眼裡對流。
或許是因為季玖已經死的徹底,所以季玖安靜地躺著,思考著自己的問題。他有過很多疑惑,關於季玖,關於沈清軒,關於伊墨,關於沈玨,關於這前生今生,季玖曾經花了大把精力去想,去思考,去理解。但是,或許一直被扯在漩渦裡脫不開身,季玖知道,就算想得再多,也還是不夠透徹的。
今天終於可以了。
季玖死了。
憤恨的季玖、絕望的季玖、知道前情的季玖、憐惜的季玖、退讓的季玖、悄然心動的季玖……都湮滅了。
並不是死于那句‘沈清軒’,也不是死在伊墨手裡。
季玖知道,他是死在明知無望,卻還偷偷希望的自己手裡。
那句話,那個名字,不過是壓到駱駝的最後一根稻草。
從心動的那一瞬間開始,季玖已經走在死亡的路上了。而今日,不過是塵埃落定。
季玖沒有任何怨言,明知不該做的事還要做,明知不該喜歡卻喜歡了,結局當然要泰然迎接。
死去的季玖跳開了漩渦,遠遠站在岸上,望著那個可以吞噬人心的黑洞。
滿目瘡痍,莫名的硝煙彌漫。這是這麼久時間以來,裡面的真正景象。
明明都想要互相善待,卻不知道為什麼,沒有人能做到。
許久之後,季玖帶著歎息,終於說話了。
“伊墨,我們曾經有很多時間在一起。可你從來不說沈清軒,不談前世,甚至最初的日子裡,你除了每夜來尋我做這床笫之事外,你都沒有解釋過你是循著我的前生而來。為什麼?”
他仿佛只是一個隨意的問題,只是好奇,只是疑惑。儘管伊墨知道他不會說無用的話,卻也沒有細想,他習慣了,面對沈清軒時不去思考,只要坦然接受就好。
伊墨說:“不想說。”
“為什麼不想說?”季玖問,沉默了一下,道出自己的推測:“怕我嘲笑?同情?拒絕?”
伊墨仔細回想了一下,一開始他有很多機會告訴他,或許就不會得到那樣強烈的抵觸。但是第一夜時機不對,所以沒有說。後來他跪在自己面前磕頭,明明那麼悲憤,連他自己也那麼委屈,卻還是沒說。再後來,季玖知道反抗無用,連反抗都沒有了,任由他為所欲為時,他也沒有說。甚至……到現在,也沒有明確的談論過。
為什麼不說?為什麼不去解釋?為什麼不告訴他?
伊墨想了很久,最後遲疑著,道:“不知道,就是不想說。”
能說,而不想說。能解釋,能緩和開始的兵戎相對,卻不去做。
季玖腦子裡念頭飛轉,輕聲發問,“是不是,因為我對你不好?”
伊墨沒想到他會這樣問,當場愣住。
季玖等不到答案,便坐起身,逼過去盯著他的眼,又重複一遍:“是不是,因為我對你,不好?”
伊墨沒有說話。
“所以,只有我對你好、願意讓你為所欲為的時候,你才會念出你喜歡的名字,我對你不好的時候,你從來不會去說。”季玖問:“是不是這樣?”
“是不是對你好,喜歡你的那個人,才是你想要的沈清軒。
“對你不好的,拒絕你的,就算你抱著他,口口聲聲說是一樣的,但其實,你的內心裡也不認他是沈清軒,不是你喜歡的那個人!”
“是不是?”季玖認真的問。
伊墨依然沉默。
季玖在他的沉默裡,逐漸懂了,那麼多困惑的疑團,不解的真相,此時全然明瞭。也許還有很多地方,他依舊茫然,但是此刻,季玖知道自己掌握了部分真相。
季玖理了理衣襟,問:“前塵的事,都是我自己查的。如果我不查,你打算什麼時候來告訴我?”
這個問題,伊墨同樣不知道如何回答。他依然沉默著,坐在一旁。
“以前沈玨告訴我,你最開始連成妖都不是出自本人意願的。而是被一個道士使了詐,訛你一回,你才成了妖。所有的妖都想成仙,所以你就修仙。如今已經兩千年。伊墨,我能不能這樣說,”季玖頓了一下,“這兩千年,你沒有做任何自己想做的事,因為你沒有什麼想做的事。是不是?”
季玖搖了搖頭:“沈玨說,你與沈清軒好,也幾乎是他爹強行做成的。所以,是沈清軒執意要與你好,你才同他好,對嗎?”
關於這一段,伊墨點頭承認了,“是。”
季玖揉了揉額角,覺得自己頭痛起來。
無奈的疼痛。
季玖道:“你這樣的妖,是該去修仙的。因為你真正對這個世界無求,卻被我前世拉進了紅塵裡。”略頓,他道:“也恰恰是因為你無所求,所以你才會輕易被前世的我扯進了紅塵。……或許,他對你太好了,好到讓你知道,原來這世上,還有這樣的事。就有了欲求。”
“但你的欲求,卻又是極度自我的。”季玖笑了一下:“因為你只要對你好的沈清軒。”
伊墨蹙眉,想了一會反問:“有何不同?”
季玖望著他的眼,認真道:“你若是喜歡我的前世,一直尋來,就該直面今生的我。你知道你眼前的季玖是沈清軒,你就該接受他的所有好與不好。”停頓下來,季玖抓住了他的手,“但是到今天,你們父子,只要對我對你們好,那我的不好呢?就不是沈清軒了嗎?”
用力鉗住那只手,季玖不再容許他逃避,季玖提高音量,問:“所以,你到底是喜歡沈清軒,還是喜歡沈清軒對你的好?!”
伊墨低下頭,看著兩人相扣的手,看了很久,才抬起頭來,淡淡道:“你知道自己是沈清軒的轉世,所以你有了憐惜,那麼你願意躺在我身下,是因為喜歡我,還是喜歡我對沈清軒的感情?”略頓,怕自己說的不夠明白,伊墨又補充道:“你喜歡我這個妖?還是喜歡上,這個妖對沈清軒的追戀?這其中你分清楚了嗎?”
季玖呆了一下,兩人互相望著,眼底俱是迷惑。
是喜歡那個人,還是喜歡上那份感覺。或者說,是愛上他,還是愛上他給的愛情。
伊墨仍然在問,“你喜歡我,是季玖喜歡,還是沈清軒的轉世喜歡,你分得清楚嗎?”
他就這樣一句話,幾乎將岸上的季玖,又扯進了漩渦裡。
仿佛進入死胡同的季玖卻突然一個激靈清醒過來,伊墨說的固然有理,對沈清軒的追戀確實感動了他,但自己若沒有一絲的喜歡,又怎麼會在他做了那麼多不好的事情後。還會在這裡,與他纏綿,與他交談。
季玖點了點頭,鏗鏘的答:“我分的清。”
也就無形承認,儘管經歷了這麼多不堪,他還是喜歡他。他不恥承認這點,願意昭明,哪怕那點喜歡,是窮途末路後的畸戀——混雜著挫敗和屈辱,憐憫和移情,太多滋味,滋生出那一團連他自己都理不清的喜歡。
“分不清的是你,”季玖說:“你要沈清軒的好,卻不要沈清軒的不好。難道你不知道,不管好不好都是沈清軒嗎?”
季玖說著自己都心生無力,道不明是恨鐵不成鋼,還是同情這局中的兩個人,只覺得即使是個旁觀者,也讓他們這一段孽緣折磨的身心無力。
重新倒在床榻上,季玖無力的橫臂搭在自己臉上,幾乎是請求著道:
“若是來世還要找沈清軒,你要主動一點。主動做點什麼,綁走也好殺了也好,他要是拒絕你你就掐死他也成;他不接受你就追著他不停解釋直到他瘋掉為止……怎麼樣都好,不要這樣被動的什麼都不做,什麼都等沈清軒做。他要是能活千年,也就慣你千年,可他只能活那麼短的時間,怎麼可能每一世,都莫名其妙的寵著你!況且,你不接受他的不好,又怎麼會換來他對你的好?”
他說的極無奈,又好氣,伊墨低下身,摟著他的肩頭,揉進懷裡,他確實不知道怎樣去分辨季玖與沈清軒,哪怕他曾經成功鑒別過,知道怒言相向的人是季玖,沈清軒永遠不會對他生氣。但是現在……又有什麼不同呢?
伊墨幾乎能想像的到他的心情。一定,從來沒有快活過。
但是,即便這樣不快活,到最後的最後,也還是喜歡上了自己。
儘管一直以來,與沈清軒的方式都是不同的,可那樣一個忍耐與包容的心思,又有什麼差別?
又何嘗,不是“莫名其妙的寵著你”。
伊墨抱著他,靜靜想了很久。他喜歡這樣的季玖,他喜歡這樣的沈清軒的轉世。同樣,他喜歡這份好。
伊墨說:“你就那麼在意,我叫的是沈清軒,而不是你?”
季玖睜開眼皮,很奇怪他怎麼還能問出這樣的問題:“我有很多事要去做,是這輩子的沈清軒必須去做的事,怎麼能只做你的沈清軒?”
“那如果你不用做這些事,你會做我的沈清軒?”伊墨問。
季玖“呵”了一聲:“不知道能不能,但起碼,會讓你將一開始欠我的那些帳一筆筆還回來,才會放過你。”
“那麼你到底在意什麼?”伊墨說:“我叫你沈清軒與季玖有什麼不同?你並不否認你是沈清軒。”
季玖歎了口氣:
“因為我知道,你不叫季玖,是因為你並不喜歡這麼長時間來,對你不好的季玖。你若是喜歡我,叫我沈清軒又有何妨呢?那也是我的前生。
“可沈玨也說,我不配當他爹。”
季玖長長地一笑,隨著歎息一起,想起那一次與沈玨的爭鬥,發現自己空掉的心口,又隱隱作痛起來,緩緩道:
“因為我不好,所以我就不配當他爹……你們異口同聲季玖就是沈清軒,卻又在季玖對你們不好的時候,就喊著不配,將季玖和沈清軒分開。”
“也許,是你們都不接受我也不一定。”季玖淡淡說,想起自己被沈玨用劍指上的那一刻,那時候他問,如果我是沈清軒,你會用劍對我嗎?
不,不會。那麼這麼久以來,有誰,真正拿他當沈清軒過,給予同等的尊敬與關愛?接受他的好與不好。
都沒有。在他努力接受他們的同時,就因為,做的還不夠好,所以得到只能這樣的結果。
季玖覺的眼睛有些酸澀,似是要流出什麼,連忙閉上眼,什麼都不說了,他是死在“不好”的自己手裡。
伊墨啞口無言。
或許季玖沒有說錯,從不說往事,從來沒有對季玖說過一句“我喜歡你的前世,所以來尋你的今生”,或許的確是排斥對自己不好的那一面。
他從來沒有思考過這些,只是循著本性做事。
他第一次聽他這樣說。第一次沉默以對。不知道真實是什麼。
他不知道真實是不是季玖所說:喜歡沈清軒,卻局限於只喜歡對自己好的那一面的沈清軒。那麼,沈清軒到底是誰?不好的,就不是沈清軒了嗎?
這短暫的時間,伊墨也沒有思考明白的可能,所以伊墨就抱著他,在安靜流逝的光陰裡自問:若是一開始,主動做點什麼。是不是,不會到今天這個地步?
季玖早已頭痛欲裂,此時再難忍受下去,咕噥一句:“天亮了自己走,不送了。”完全睡過去。
伊墨抱著他,低低應一聲,也不再說什麼,只是就這樣抱著,貼在一起,感受對方的胸腔裡的那顆心,跳在自己身上。
季玖飲了酒的一夜發洩之後,就這樣,靜悄悄的睡著了。
他睡得很沉,天漸漸亮了,連伊墨離開都不知道。
————————————————
Yi Mo held him for a while, silently wiped the stains off both of them, and took out clean clothes for Ji Jiu to change into. After he was dressed, he lowered his eyes, no longer hiding anything, and spoke out what he was thinking:
“When you pulled me to hug you, I thought you were Shen Qingxuan."
He added: “Ji Jiu and Shen Qingxuan are the same in my eyes."
Ji Jiu was neither sad nor happy when he heard this. He knew that he was dead, completely dead from this matter. He was neither sad nor happy, it was as if a big hole suddenly appeared in his heart, and air was flowing through the hole.
Perhaps because Ji Jiu was completely dead, Ji Jiu lay quietly, thinking about his own problems. He had many doubts, about Ji Jiu, about Shen Qingxuan, about Yi Mo, about Shen Jue, about this past life and this life, Ji Jiu had spent a lot of energy thinking, pondering, and understanding. However, perhaps he was always pulled into the vortex and couldn’t get out of it . Ji Jiu knew that no matter how much he thought, it was still not thorough enough.
It’s finally possible today.
Ji Jiu is dead.
The angry Ji Jiu, the desperate Ji Jiu, the Ji Jiu who knew the past, the sympathetic Ji Jiu, the yielding Ji Jiu, the quietly moved Ji Jiu… all disappeared.
He didn’t die from the word ‘Shen Qingxuan’, nor did he die at the hands of Yi Mo.
Ji Jiu knew that he died at his own hands even though he knew there was no hope, but still secretly hoped for it.
That sentence, that name, was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
From the moment his heart beat, Ji Jiu had already walked on the road to death. And today, the dust has settled.
Ji Jiu didn’t have any complaints. He did things even though he knew he shouldn’t do them, and he liked someone even though he knew he shouldn’t like someone. So of course he had to face the ending calmly.
The dead Ji Jiu jumped out of the whirlpool and stood far away on the shore, looking at the black hole that could devour people’s hearts.
The place was devastated and filled with inexplicable smoke. This was the real scene inside for such a long time .
We all want to be kind to each other, but for some reason, no one can do it.
After a long time, Ji Jiu finally spoke with a sigh.
“Yi Mo, we used to spend a lot of time together. But you never mentioned Shen Qingxuan, or your past life. Even in the early days, apart from coming to me every night to do this in bed, you never explained that you came from my past life. Why?"
He seemed to be asking a casual question, just curious, just confused. Although Yi Mo knew that he would not say useless words, he did not think about it. He was used to not thinking when facing Shen Qingxuan, just accepting it calmly.
Yi Mo said: “I don’t want to say."
“Why don’t you want to say it?" Ji Jiu asked. After a moment of silence, he gave his guess: “Are you afraid that I will laugh at you? Are you afraid that I will sympathize with you? Do you reject me?"
Yi Mo thought about it carefully. If he had had many opportunities to tell him at the beginning, he might not have received such strong resistance. But the timing was not right on the first night, so he didn’t say it. Later, he knelt in front of him and kowtowed. He was so sad and angry, and even he felt so wronged, but he still didn’t say anything. Later, when Ji Jiu knew that resistance was useless and didn’t even want to resist, and let him do whatever he wanted, he didn’t say anything. Even… until now, there has been no clear discussion.
Why didn’t you say it? Why didn’t you explain it? Why didn’t you tell him?
Yi Mo thought for a long time, and finally hesitated and said, “I don’t know, I just don’t want to say."
I can talk, but I don’t want to talk. I can explain, I can ease the initial confrontation, but I don’t do it.
Ji Jiu’s mind was full of thoughts, and he asked softly, “Is it because I’m not nice to you?"
Yi Mo didn’t expect him to ask this and was stunned on the spot.
Ji Jiu couldn’t wait for an answer, so he sat up, forced himself to look into his eyes, and repeated: “Is it because I’m not nice to you?"
Yi Mo didn’t say anything.
“So, you will only say your favorite name when I am nice to you and willing to let you do whatever you want. When I am not nice to you, you will never say anything." Ji Jiu asked: “Is that right?"
“The person who treats you well and likes you is the Shen Qingxuan you want.
“If someone treats you badly and rejects you, even if you hug him and keep saying it’s the same, in fact, in your heart you don’t recognize him as Shen Qingxuan, not the person you like!"
“Is it?" Ji Jiu asked seriously.
Yi Mo remained silent.
Ji Jiu gradually understood in his silence that all the confusing questions and unsolved truths were now clear to him. There might be many places where he was still confused, but at this moment, Ji Jiu knew that he had grasped part of the truth.
Ji Jiu straightened his clothes and asked, “I checked all the things in the past by myself. If I didn’t check, when would you tell me?"
Yi Mo also didn’t know how to answer this question. He remained silent and sat aside.
“Shen Jue told me before that you didn’t even become a demon of your own will. You were tricked by a Taoist priest and blackmailed, and that’s why you became a demon. All demons want to become immortals, so you practiced immortality. It’s been two thousand years now. Yi Mo, can I put it this way," Ji Jiu paused, “in these two thousand years, you haven’t done anything you wanted to do, because you didn’t have anything you wanted to do. Is that right?"
Ji Jiu shook his head: “Shen Jue said that your relationship with Shen Qingxuan was almost forced by his father. So, Shen Qingxuan insisted on being with you, so you were with him, right?"
Regarding this paragraph, Yi Mo nodded and admitted , “Yes."
Ji Jiu rubbed his forehead and felt a headache coming on.
Helpless pain.
Ji Jiu said: “A demon like you should cultivate immortality. Because you really have no desire for this world, but I pulled you into the mortal world in my previous life." After a pause, he said: “It is precisely because you have no desire that you were easily pulled into the mortal world by me in my previous life. … Perhaps, he was too good to you, so good that he let you know that there are such things in this world. So you have desires."
“But your desire is extremely selfish." Ji Jiu smiled: “Because you only want Shen Qingxuan who treats you well."
Yi Mo frowned, thought for a while and asked back: “What’s the difference?"
Ji Jiu looked into his eyes and said seriously, “If you liked my past life and kept looking for me, you should face me in this life. You know that the Ji Jiu in front of you is Shen Qingxuan, so you should accept all his good and bad things." After a pause, Ji Jiu grabbed his hand, “But until today, you and your son, as long as you treat me well and treat you well, then what about my bad things? Am I not Shen Qingxuan anymore?"
Clamping that hand tightly, Ji Jiu no longer allowed him to escape. Ji Jiu raised his voice and asked, “So, do you like Shen Qingxuan, or do you like Shen Qingxuan’s kindness to you?!"
Yi Mo lowered his head and looked at their interlocked hands for a long time before looking up and saying calmly, “You know you are the reincarnation of Shen Qingxuan, so you have pity. Then you are willing to lie under me, is it because you like me, or because you like my feelings for Shen Qingxuan?" After a slight pause, afraid that he was not clear enough, Yi Mo added, “Do you like me as a demon? Or do you like this demon’s pursuit of Shen Qingxuan? Have you figured it out?"
Ji Jiu was stunned for a moment, and the two looked at each other, confusion in their eyes.
Do you like that person, or do you like that feeling? Or, do you fall in love with him, or do you fall in love with the love he gives you?
Yi Mo was still asking, “Do you like me as Ji Jiu or as the reincarnation of Shen Qingxuan? Can you tell the difference?"
With just these words, he almost pulled Ji Jiu on the shore into the whirlpool again.
Ji Jiu, who seemed to have reached a dead end, suddenly woke up with a start. What Yi Mo said was reasonable. His pursuit of Shen Qingxuan did move him, but if he didn’t like him at all, how could he be here, lingering with him, and talking with him after he did so many bad things?
Ji Jiu nodded and answered in a resounding voice: “I can tell the difference."
He implicitly admitted that despite all the pain he had gone through, he still liked him. He was not ashamed to admit this, and was willing to make it clear, even if that love was an abnormal love after he had reached the end of his rope – a mixture of frustration and humiliation, pity and empathy, too many flavors, which gave rise to a love that even he himself could not understand.
“It’s you who can’t tell the difference," Ji Jiu said, “You want the good in Shen Qingxuan, but not the bad in Shen Qingxuan. Don’t you know that no matter he’s good or bad, he’s still Shen Qingxuan?"
Ji Jiu felt powerless as he spoke. He couldn’t tell whether he was disappointed in his friend or sympathized with the two people in this game. He just felt that even as a bystander, he felt physically and mentally powerless due to the torture of their evil fate .
Falling back on the bed, Ji Jiu rested his weak arm on his face, almost begging :
“If you want to find Shen Qingxuan again in the next life, you should be more proactive. Take the initiative to do something, kidnap him or kill him. If he refuses you, just strangle him to death. If he doesn’t accept you, just chase him and explain until he goes crazy… It doesn’t matter what you do, don’t be so passive and do nothing, waiting for Shen Qingxuan to do everything. If he could live for a thousand years, he would spoil you for a thousand years, but he can only live for such a short time. How can he spoil you inexplicably in every life! Besides, if you don’t accept his badness, how can you get his goodness in return?"
He said it helplessly and angrily. Yi Mo leaned down, put his arm around his shoulders, and rubbed him in his arms. He really didn’t know how to distinguish Ji Jiu from Shen Qingxuan, even though he had successfully identified them before and knew that the person who was angry was Ji Jiu, and Shen Qingxuan would never be angry with him. But now…what’s the difference?
Yi Mo could almost imagine how he felt. He must have never been happy.
However, even though I was unhappy, in the end, I still fell in love with myself.
Although my approach has always been different from Shen Qingxuan’s, what difference does it make to have such patience and tolerance?
What’s more, isn’t it “pampering you inexplicably".
Yi Mo held him and thought quietly for a long time. He liked Ji Jiu like this, and he liked the reincarnation of Shen Qingxuan like this. Similarly, he liked this goodness.
Yi Mo said: “Do you care so much that I called Shen Qingxuan, not you?"
Ji Jiu opened his eyes, wondering why he could ask such a question: “I have a lot of things to do, things that Shen Qingxuan must do in this life. How can I just be your Shen Qingxuan?"
“Then if you don’t have to do these things, will you be my Shen Qingxuan?" Yi Mo asked.
Ji Jiu chuckled, “I don’t know if I can do that, but at least I will make you pay back all the debts you owe me in the beginning before I let you go."
“So what do you care about?" Yi Mo said, “What’s the difference between me calling you Shen Qingxuan and Ji Jiu? You don’t deny that you are Shen Qingxuan."
Ji Jiu sighed:
“Because I know that you are not called Ji Jiu because you do not like Ji Jiu who has been treating you badly for such a long time. If you like me, what’s wrong with calling me Shen Qingxuan? That was also my previous life.
“But Shen Jue also said that I am not worthy of being his father."
Ji Jiu smiled long and sighed, thinking of the fight with Shen Jue. He found that his empty heart was aching again, and said slowly:
“Because I’m not good, I’m not worthy of being his father… You all said in unison that Ji Jiu is Shen Qingxuan, but when Ji Jiu treated you badly, you shouted that he was not worthy and separated Ji Jiu and Shen Qingxuan."
“Maybe, it’s not necessarily that you all don’t accept me." Ji Jiu said lightly, remembering the moment when Shen Jue pointed a sword at him. At that time, he asked, if I were Shen Qingxuan, would you use the sword against me?
No, it won’t. So for all this time, has anyone really treated him as Shen Qingxuan, giving him the same respect and care? Accepting his good and bad sides.
None. While he was trying to accept them, he could only get this result because he hadn’t done well enough.
Ji Jiujue’s eyes felt a little sore, as if something was about to come out, and he quickly closed his eyes and said nothing. He died at the hands of his “bad" self.
Yi Mo was speechless.
Maybe Ji Jiu was not wrong. He never talked about the past and never said to Ji Jiu, “I liked your past life, so I came to find you in your present life." Maybe he was indeed rejecting the side of himself that was not good for him.
He never thought about these things and just did things according to his nature.
It was the first time he heard him say this. It was the first time he remained silent. He didn’t know what the truth was.
He didn’t know if it was true what Ji Jiu said: he liked Shen Qingxuan, but he only liked the good side of Shen Qingxuan. Then, who is Shen Qingxuan? If he is not good, then he is not Shen Qingxuan?
During this short period of time, Yi Mo had no chance to think clearly, so Yi Mo held him and asked himself in the quiet time: If I had taken the initiative to do something at the beginning, would it not have come to this?
Ji Jiu already had a splitting headache and could no longer bear it. He muttered, “I’ll leave at daybreak. I won’t see you off." He fell into a deep sleep.
Yi Mo hugged him, responded softly, and said nothing more. He just hugged him like that, sticking close to each other, feeling the other’s heart beating against his own in his chest.
After a night of drinking to vent his feelings, Ji Jiu fell asleep quietly.
He slept very soundly, and as the day gradually dawned, he didn’t even notice that Yi Mo had left.
