痕書站

　　日上三竿，季玖迷蒙著醒了，他睜開眼，頭痛欲裂。又重新闔上了眼，一動不動的躺著，腦中全然是一片空白。仿佛天地混沌的時期，天與地還是一個巨大的蛋，他就是那個蛋裡沉睡的嬰孩，懵懂而無知。沒有記憶，沒有過往，沒有曾經，也沒有未來。茫然不知世事的安寧著歡喜。
　　可他終究不是嬰孩，宿醉的空白過去之後，曾經發生過的事便在腦中一幕幕的飄移而過。季玖眨了眨眼，徹底醒了。
　　
　　扯著被子坐起身，季玖倚著床頭，揭開了帷帳。
　　原以為會看到的淩亂並沒有出現在眼前，端正的桌案，疊好的公文，擺放著的紙墨筆硯，連茶盞都完完整整的放在桌上，並不是記憶裡的碎片。
　　季玖幾乎以為自己產生幻覺，一切不過是黃粱一夢。
　　緊接著，他看見了那壇酒。
　　從地裡挖出來的，還沒有擦拭乾淨泥土，更沒有開封，像個剛從土裡刨出來的果實，帶著與生俱來的香味，端正的立在長桌中央。
　　這是他要的春酒。季玖想起來了。
　　接著很自然的想起那人趁著天未大亮，偷偷去人家院子裡刨酒的情景，也不知是滑稽多一點，還是心酸多一點。
　　只是臉上依舊雲淡風輕，仿佛一切都與己無關。
　　
　　坐了一會，就起了身，將床榻收拾好，抱了褥子去院中晾曬，又將弄髒了的織錦絹布都扯了下來，拎了個木桶，去河邊清洗。
　　做這些事的時候，季玖臉上也是淡然的，只有在低頭搓洗那上面的可疑痕跡時，耳朵後面才泛起了些紅，羞也羞的不動聲色。
　　
　　自那之後，季玖就沒有再見過伊墨。
　　等待的皇喻還沒有來，季玖也沉得住氣，飲酒作畫，吟書擊築，小院上空日升月落，過了一年。
　　伺候他生活起居的還是啞伯，每天清洗院子，照顧他三餐飲食。唯一的變化，倒是這一年開春時，季玖的往來書信頻繁起來，幾乎每隔幾日都有騎著快馬的人，叩開院門。
　　啞伯雖是個鄉下人，卻也知道這院子裡的人身份非同一般，若是有事，差不離就是軍事了。
　　這日啞伯領來一個孩子，十四五歲年紀，梳著兩個垂耳髻，憨憨的眉眼，來找季玖。
　　啞伯不能說話，就讓那孩子自己說，那孩子靦腆的狠，話還沒說，臉上先憋紅了。季玖看這情景，心中已明瞭大半，就問：“來找我，是想從軍？”
　　啞伯“啊啊”的喊著，一邊點頭。指著那孩子，又指著季玖，示意想讓他跟著季玖。
　　季玖問他有無兄弟，那孩子搖了搖頭，又問有無父母，孩子連忙又點頭。
　　季玖便道：“你若隨我從軍，來日戰死沙場，老母何人侍奉？老父何人給養？家中香火何人繼承？獨子留家，是規矩。莫說了。”
　　就這麼拒了。
　　那孩子紅了眼，一句話不說便跑了。
　　啞伯打著手勢辯解，季玖看了好一會才看明白，原來那孩子有一個兄長，五年前從軍，後來死了。兄弟兩人感情原就好，兄長死了，弟弟雖小，卻立志要為哥哥報仇，一直沒有門路，聽說這院中住了個將軍，才找啞伯幫忙。
　　季玖不語，背手站了許久，才道了一句：“他兄長雖死，卻是為身後城中百姓安寧，而非一人之故。他卻因私仇而入軍，棄老父老母與不顧，非忠非孝，我更不要。”
　　啞伯張了嘴，點點頭走了。
　　
　　這樣的小事偶爾發生，隨後日子還是一天天照常的過。那孩子卻粘上了季玖，三天兩頭跑來，跪在院門外，等著季玖心軟。
　　可他不知道，與季玖來說，對他心軟，便是對他父母的惡毒。所以理也不理，隨他跪著，季玖甚少出院。碰上這種事，季玖不怕做壞人，且做得心安理得。
　　又是一個夏日，空中雨燕低飛，偶爾停在季玖的房檐下，給幼鳥喂了食，又匆匆飛走。
　　季玖探過窗戶，望著簷下那個小小燕窩，不知道幼鳥長大，會不會反哺。就這麼看了許久，才收回身續之前的事。
　　
　　啞伯在院中灑水掃地，偶爾也會轉頭看一眼敞開的窗戶內，只看見案上鋪著一張大白紙，上面許許多多的紅，啞伯年邁，眼神不濟，兼之距離遠，總是看不清季玖究竟在畫什麼，偶爾送飯進去，紙上也已經鋪了白絹，顯然是不想讓別人看到。可不是每個人都能按捺住自己的好奇，啞伯雖年紀大了，好奇心卻如年輕時一樣，旺盛得很。
　　他總是偷偷看，季玖卻太專注，並未注意。仍舊低頭畫著。
　　啞伯發現，作畫的時候，季玖的神色是凝滯的，甚至略帶悲傷。
　　哎，到底畫的是什麼呢？啞伯討厭起自己的年邁，眼神越來越不中用了。
　　
　　院門此時被叩響，啞伯急忙忙走去開門，以為又是來送信的，笤帚還握在手裡，沒料到門一開，外面便沖進兩個人來，手裡持著劍，雖未出鞘，也唬著老人一個哆嗦，笤帚落在地上。
　　接著又陸續進了四個人，一身黑色，面容冷酷而幹練的將啞伯趕到一旁，列成兩隊，候著。
　　啞伯就是再不懂事，也知道此次來的是大人物，連忙蹲下身，小心翼翼的撿起笤帚，縮到門後去了。
　　
　　季玖正不慌不忙的收著畫卷，等他將畫卷收好，院門外該來的人已經進來了。
　　皇帝作儒生打扮，走進院中掃了一眼周圍，便沖著那扇緊閉的門，不悅的喊了一句：“季玖！”
　　房門這才打開，季玖跪在門檻內，不咸不淡應了一聲：“皇上。”
　　
　　可憐躲在院門後的啞伯，聽到那句“皇上”，險些一口將笤帚柄啃掉了。
　　
　　皇帝進了屋，季玖起身關房門，兩扇門只剩一道細線時，他透過那道縫隙，望見了站在院門處直勾勾看著自己沈玨。
　　喉嚨瞬間緊了一下，季玖垂下眼，將那道縫隙掩上。
　　時隔一年多再見，父子兩人各自眼神都是慌亂無措。
　　有些人，你拿他放在心口越近的地方，就越不知道，該怎麼對他。
　　
　　皇帝坐在季玖常坐的椅子上，翻了翻桌上文書，後又隨手棄到一旁，眼睛盯著季玖，良久方道：“這兩年還好？”
　　季玖說：“好。”
　　“兩年不曾回家，就不想？”
　　“想。”季玖說。
　　“朕今日來看看你。”皇帝說。
　　“嗯。”
　　皇帝有些惱了，拉下臉道：“你就打算這樣一個字一個字的跟朕說話了嗎？”
　　季玖說：“不敢。”
　　皇帝“嗤”了一聲道：“兩個字了。”
　　季玖懶得理他，轉過臉看向窗外，空氣裡有花香飄來，皇帝突然開口道：“朕許多年沒吃過槐花飯了。”
　　他本以為季玖會說些什麼，結果季玖一揚眉，甚是認真地問了一句：“那是什麼？”
　　皇帝被噎了個結結實實。
　　
　　半晌，才好氣又好笑的道：“罷了，你知道朕今日為何來。軍情你也該知道些，匈奴大軍已經出動，以路程算，兩個月後就該抵達城下了。”
　　季玖說：“讓臣去？”
　　“不然朕親自去？”皇帝反問。
　　“臣以為皇上要給臣頤養天年。”季玖說。
　　皇帝卻沉默了一下，緩緩道：“朕……未必不這麼想。”
　　季玖沒料到他會這樣說，愣住。
　　“……朕這些年，”皇帝望著他，認真道：“身邊，也就你一個了。”所以，不願意這個世上最後一個懂他的人，就這麼消失不見。
　　一直護著，留著，究其根底，不過是帝王的一點私心。
　　只是兵臨城下，這份私心，只好棄之一旁，眼睜睜看著這一路走來，相扶相攜的同袍，踏上征途。
　　
　　今日褪下龍袍，微服來訪，他是皇帝，也不是皇帝，仿佛還是多年前那個皇子，能夠和自己信任的伴讀知心與共。
　　可是，他到底已經是皇帝了。天下帝王。
　　皇帝取出虎符，放在桌上，聲音又恢復了高高在上的倨傲從容，“明日趕回軍營，從今天起，你就是朕的大將軍了。”
　　季玖沉默著，良久方道：“臣，定不辱使命。”
　　“這次匈奴是大軍出動，若你能擊退他們，接下來的事……”皇帝微微挑起眼皮，“大軍在外皇令有所不授。”稍後又補一句：“糧草不用擔心。”
　　季玖低著頭，嘴角挽出一道淺淺弧度：“是。”
　　
　　臨出門，皇帝突然折過身，拋了一句：“你那義子侍衛，在外怠忽職守，朕抓著了，交給你，該打該罰你去處置吧。”
　　便走了。
　　
　　留下“怠忽職守”的侍衛沈玨，與被侍衛拋棄許久的季玖。以及縮在門後，呆了很久很久的啞伯。
　　沈玨走上前來，行禮時試探著喚：“爹……”
　　音只發出一半，讓季玖截了，“叫將軍。”
　　沈玨低下頭，道：“將軍。”
　　“準備些乾糧，明日啟程。”季玖既沒有打，也沒有罰，仿若不曾發生過任何事，回房去了。
　　
　　夜深，季玖展開畫卷，紙上滿目桃花，鮮豔欲滴的開著。卻不是伊墨畫的那幅。
　　紅色的花海裡，交疊著兩個人，下方那人身上佈滿桃花，仰頭微眯著眼，輪廓一眼看去便是男子，卻捎了一絲嫵媚。腿是抬著的，繞在身上男人的腰上。上方那人低著頭，長髮散落，遮住了臉，只有腰身曲線，擠在身下人的腿間。
　　竟是在交歡。
　　落英繽紛的花海裡的情事，卻無絲毫淫靡之氣，只有說不出的脈脈溫情。
　　季玖提起筆，在那人的臉上添了眼，又描了鼻與唇。
　　那是一張與他一模一樣的臉。
　　卻又分明不是他。
　　
　　花瓣四處飄散著，鋪了一地，又疊到了天上，漫無邊際的豔紅，灼目刺眼，卻落在那兩人身上時，安馨寧謐。
　　畫名為《故鄉》。
　　
　　季玖看著那幅畫，看了許久。最後重新取了一張紙來，展開，沉吟片刻，再次落筆，卻是最簡潔不過的筆墨，畫了一座墳，墳塋前有碑，墳上又有荒草叢生。
　　那是將軍的墳。
　　也叫《故鄉》。
　　
　　將畫卷收好，季玖取了火盆來，一年多的心血，付之一炬。
　　
　　第二日，一切業已收拾好。沈玨牽了馬，在院門外候著。
　　季玖在屋內，站在床側，也不知想起什麼，眼底的落寞昭然若揭。
　　最後，他低下身來，側臉貼著枕畔的另一隻軟枕，輕嗅著曾經那人，遺留的發香。
　　亦是同樣，溫情脈脈的。不輸與焚燒的畫卷上，那個與他面目相同的人。
　　
　　伊墨是在的。隱著身形，遠遠的站在一邊。以他的性子，該是出來取笑的。
　　然而他卻沒有動，只靜靜看著，看那人閉著眼，嗅著床榻上自己曾睡過的軟枕。
　　看著他說不出口的，深情如許。
　　
　　片刻過後，季玖直起身，臉上淡漠如常，提起劍走出去。
　　一把鎖，鎖上了這院中發生的，和來不及發生的一切。

————————————————

At noon, Ji Jiu woke up in a daze . He opened his eyes and had a splitting headache. He closed his eyes again and lay motionless, his mind completely blank. It was as if the world was in chaos, the sky and the earth were still a huge egg, and he was the baby sleeping in the egg, ignorant and naive. He had no memory, no past, no past, and no future. He was at peace and happy, unaware of the world.

But he was not a baby after all. After the blankness of the hangover passed, the things that had happened drifted through his mind one by one. Ji Jiu blinked and woke up completely.

Ji Jiu sat up, pulling the quilt, leaning against the head of the bed and pulling open the curtains.

The mess I thought I would see did not appear before my eyes. The desk was neatly arranged, the documents were folded, the papers, ink, brushes and inkstones were laid out, and even the teacups were all placed intact on the table, not the fragments in my memory.

Ji Jiu almost thought he was hallucinating and everything was just a dream.

Then he saw the jar of wine.

It was dug out from the ground, the dirt has not been wiped off, and it has not been opened. It looks like a fruit just dug out of the soil, with its innate fragrance, standing upright in the middle of the long table.

This is the spring wine he wanted. Ji Jiu remembered.

Then I naturally thought of the scene where that person secretly went to someone else’s yard to dig for wine before dawn . I don’t know whether it was more funny or more sad.

But his face remained calm, as if everything had nothing to do with him.

After sitting for a while, he got up, tidied the bed, took the mattress to the yard to dry it, pulled off the soiled brocade silk cloth, picked up a wooden bucket, and went to the river to wash it.

While doing these things, Ji Jiu’s face was calm. Only when he lowered his head to rub the suspicious marks on it, the back of his ears turned red. He was so embarrassed that he didn’t show any expression.

Since then, Ji Jiu has never seen Yi Mo again.

long-awaited imperial edict had not yet arrived, but Ji Jiu remained calm, drinking, painting, reciting books and playing the zither. A year passed as the sun rose and the moon set over the courtyard.

The one who took care of his daily life was still Uncle Ya, who cleaned the yard every day and took care of his three meals a day. The only change was that in the early spring of this year, Ji Jiu’s correspondence became more frequent, and almost every few days there were people riding fast horses knocking on the gate.

Although Uncle Ya was a countryman, he knew that the people in this yard were of extraordinary status. If anything happened, it would most likely be a military matter.

That day, Uncle Ya brought a child, about fourteen or fifteen years old, with two hanging buns on the ears and a silly look, to see Ji Jiu.

Uncle Ya couldn’t speak , so he let the child speak for himself. The child was very shy, and his face turned red before he could even finish his words. Seeing this, Ji Jiu understood most of what was going on, so he asked, “You came to me, do you want to join the army?"

Uncle Ya shouted “Ahh" and nodded, pointing at the child and then at Ji Jiu, indicating that he wanted him to follow Ji Jiu.

Ji Jiu asked him if he had any brothers, and the child shook his head. Then he asked if he had any parents, and the child nodded quickly.

Ji Jiu said, “If you follow me to join the army and die on the battlefield, who will take care of my mother? Who will support my father? Who will inherit the family line? It is the rule that only sons stay at home. Don’t say more."

Just rejected it.

The child’s eyes turned red and he ran away without saying a word.

Uncle Ya gestured to explain, and Ji Jiu watched for a long time before he understood. It turned out that the child had an elder brother who joined the army five years ago and later died. The two brothers had a good relationship. After the elder brother died, the younger brother, although young, was determined to avenge his brother. He had no way to do it, and when he heard that a general lived in this courtyard, he asked Uncle Ya for help.

Ji Jiu said nothing, standing with his hands behind his back for a long time before saying, “Although his brother died, it was for the peace of the people in the city behind him, not for one person. But he joined the army because of a personal vendetta, abandoning his old parents. He is neither loyal nor filial, and I don’t want him."

Uncle Ya opened his mouth, nodded and left.

Such little things happened occasionally, and the days went on as usual. But the child stuck to Ji Jiu, coming every few days, kneeling outside the courtyard gate, waiting for Ji Jiu to soften his heart.

But he didn’t know that for Ji Jiu, being soft on him was being vicious to his parents. So he ignored him and let him kneel. Ji Jiu rarely left the hospital. When encountering such things, Ji Jiu was not afraid of being a bad guy, and he felt at ease doing it.

It was another summer day. Swifts were flying low in the sky, occasionally stopping under the eaves of Ji Jiu’s house, feeding the young birds, and then hurriedly flying away.

Ji Jiu leaned over the window and looked at the small bird’s nest under the eaves, wondering if the young bird would repay its parents when it grew up. He looked at it for a long time before retracting his gaze and continuing what he had been doing.

Uncle Ya was watering and sweeping the floor in the yard. Occasionally, he would turn his head and look through the open window. He saw a large white paper on the table with many red lines on it. Uncle Ya was old and his eyesight was not good. In addition, he was far away and could not see clearly what Ji Jiu was drawing. Occasionally, when he brought food in, he would cover the paper with white silk, obviously not wanting others to see it. But not everyone can suppress their curiosity. Although Uncle Ya was old, his curiosity was as strong as when he was young.

He always looked at it secretly, but Ji Jiu was too focused to notice it. He still lowered his head and painted.

Uncle Ya discovered that when Ji Jiu was painting, his expression was frozen, even a little sad.

Hey, what is this painting? Uncle Ya hates his old age, as his eyesight is becoming less and less useful.

At this time, there was a knock on the courtyard door. Uncle Ya hurried to open the door, thinking that someone had come to deliver a letter again. He still held the broom in his hand. Unexpectedly, as soon as the door opened, two people rushed in from outside, holding swords in their hands. Although they were not unsheathed, they scared the old man and made him shiver, and the broom fell to the ground.

Then four more people came in, all dressed in black, with cold and capable faces. They pushed Uncle Ya aside, formed two teams, and waited.

Uncle Ya was ignorant, he knew that the person coming this time was an important person, so he quickly squatted down, carefully picked up the broom, and hid behind the door.

Ji Jiu was calmly putting away the scroll. By the time he had put it away, the person who was supposed to come had already entered the courtyard.

The emperor dressed up as a scholar, walked into the courtyard, glanced around, and then shouted unhappily at the closed door: “Ji Jiu!"

The door was then opened, and Ji Jiu knelt on the threshold and responded indifferently, “Your Majesty."

Poor mute old man hiding behind the courtyard gate, when he heard the word “Your Majesty", he almost bit off the broom handle in one bite .

The emperor entered the room, and Ji Jiu stood up to close the door. When only a thin line remained between the two doors, he looked through the gap and saw Shen Jue standing at the gate and staring at him.

His throat tightened instantly, and Ji Jiu lowered his eyes to cover the gap.

When they met again after more than a year, both the father and son looked confused and at a loss.

For some people, the closer you hold them to your heart, the less you know how to treat them.

The emperor sat on the chair that Ji Jiu usually sat on, flipped through the documents on the table, and then threw them aside . He stared at Ji Jiu for a long time before asking, “How have you been these past two years?"

Ji Jiu said: “Okay."

“I haven’t been home for two years, don’t you miss it?"

“I do." Ji Jiu said.

“I came to see you today," said the emperor.

“Um."

The emperor was a little annoyed and said with a sullen face, “Are you going to talk to me word by word like this ?"

Ji Jiu said: “I dare not."

The emperor snorted and said , “Two words."

Ji Jiu was too lazy to pay attention to him. He turned his head and looked out the window. There was a scent of flowers in the air. The emperor suddenly said, “I haven’t eaten locust flower rice for many years."

He thought Ji Jiu would say something, but Ji Jiu raised his eyebrows and asked seriously, “What is that?"

The emperor was choked.

After a long while, he said in a tone of both anger and amusement: “Forget it, you know why I came today. You should also know something about the military situation. The Xiongnu army has already set out. According to the distance, they should arrive at the city in two months."

Ji Jiu said: “Let me go?"

“How about I go there myself?" the emperor asked.

“I thought the emperor wanted to let me live out my life in peace." Ji Jiu said.

The emperor was silent for a moment, then slowly said, " I …maybe I don’t think so."

Ji Jiu didn’t expect him to say that and was stunned.

“… In these years," the emperor looked at him and said seriously, “you are the only one around me." Therefore, he didn’t want the last person in the world who understood him to disappear just like that.

The reason why he kept it all the time was nothing but the emperor’s selfish motive.

But with the enemy at the gates, I had to put aside this selfish desire and watch my comrades, who had walked with me all the way and supported me, embark on the journey.

Today he took off his dragon robe and came incognito. He was the emperor, but not the emperor. He seemed to be the prince many years ago, able to share a close and intimate relationship with his trusted study companion.

But, he was already the emperor. The emperor of the world.

The emperor took out the tiger talisman and placed it on the table. His voice returned to its high and mighty tone. “Go back to the barracks tomorrow. From today on, you are my general."

Ji Jiu was silent for a long time before he said, “I will definitely fulfill my mission."

“This time the Huns are sending out a large army. If you can repel them, the next thing is…" The emperor raised his eyelids slightly, “The army is outside the imperial court and there are no orders from the emperor." He added later, “Don’t worry about food and fodder."

Ji Jiu lowered his head, with a slight arc at the corner of his mouth: “Yes."

Before leaving, the emperor suddenly turned around and said, “I have caught your adopted son, the bodyguard, who was negligent in his duties. I will hand him over to you. You can punish him accordingly."

Then he left.

the mute uncle who had been hiding behind the door for a long, long time .

Shen Jue walked forward and called out tentatively while bowing, “Dad…"

The sound was only half uttered when Ji Jiu interrupted it, “Call me General."

Shen Jue lowered his head and said, “General."

“Prepare some dry food and set off tomorrow." Ji Jiu neither beat nor punished him. He went back to his room as if nothing had happened.

Late at night, Ji Jiu unfolded the scroll, and the paper was full of peach blossoms, blooming brightly. But it was not the one Yi Mo had painted.

In the sea of red flowers, two people overlapped. The lower one was covered with peach blossoms. He looked up and squinted. At first glance, he was a man, but with a hint of charm. His legs were raised and wrapped around the waist of the man on top. The upper one lowered his head, his long hair scattered, covering his face, with only the curve of his waist squeezed between the legs of the person below him.

They were actually having sex.

The love affair in the sea of fallen petals has no trace of lewdness, but only an indescribable tenderness.

Ji Jiu picked up the pen, added eyes to the man’s face, and outlined the nose and lips.

It was a face exactly like his.

But it was clearly not him.

The petals were floating everywhere, covering the ground and then stacked up to the sky. The boundless bright red was dazzling, but when it fell on the two people, it brought peace and tranquility .

The title of the painting is “Hometown".

Ji Jiu looked at the painting for a long time. Finally, he took another piece of paper, unfolded it, pondered for a moment, and started to draw again, but in the simplest way, he drew a grave with a tombstone in front of it and weeds growing on it.

That is the general’s tomb.

Also called “Hometown".

After putting the scroll away, Ji Jiu took a brazier and burned all his hard work of more than a year.

On the second day, everything was ready. Shen Jue led the horse and waited outside the courtyard gate.

Ji Jiu was in the room, standing beside the bed. He didn’t know what he was thinking about, but the loneliness in his eyes was obvious.

Finally, he bent down, pressed his cheek against the other soft pillow beside him, and sniffed the scent of the hair left by that person.

It was the same, tender and affectionate. Not inferior to the person who looked the same as him in the burning painting.

Yi Mo was there. He was standing far away, hiding his figure. With his personality, he should have come out to make fun of others.

However, he did not move. He just watched quietly, watching the man close his eyes and smell the soft pillow on the bed where he had slept.

Looking at him, he couldn’t express it with such deep affection.

After a moment, Ji Jiu stood up, his face as indifferent as usual, picked up the sword and walked out.

A lock locked up everything that happened in the yard, and everything that had time to happen.